Love

Love is such a big word

I’ve written a lot about love that I don’t want to repeat but fuck it right?

 

IT’s such a big word

A big word with big implications

Death, war, tragedy, suicide, fucking, sex, disease, idfk what else…

Love can do so many things
Fix so many things
Incinerate so many things

Incinerate because it’s volatile
because it’s fire
because it’s dangerous to touch, to handle

 

A lot of the time I don’t know what I’m feeling

A lot of the time I feel like I love him

I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t-

I don’t I swear I don’t I don’t I DON’T I FUCKING DON’T-

 

Okay I just had a talk with myself about accepting my feelings and not being in denial because I cannot be in internal emotional conflict with myself right now because I have a lot of work and there are six more fucking days and I really need to get shit done. It’s okay.

 

Okay so I like him a lot I do like him a lot okay

When I’m really emotional you can call it love

That’s okay babe that’s okay you can call it whatever you want to call it

 

He might like me back

He just might he could he might he might he might he could

 

I…love…


I was triggered today it’s okay

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i miss

I miss hi- woah there

I’ve lost control a little but that’s okay it’s okay I swear it’s fucking okay it’s a-fucking-okay I don’t wanna die I swear I don’t

I don’t I swear I don’t I don’t I don’t

I HATE IT WHEN PPL SAY don’t deny your feelings LET YOURSELF FEEL THINGS BUT WHAT IF FEELING THINGS MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE HUH

What if I CAN’T let my self feel what I want to feel?????????????????

What if? WHat if?

Fuck my overactive wandering imagination.

so what if I like him

I literally wrote this before it’s hilarious

Like fuck so what if I like him okay

So what if I want to constantly be around him

So whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I don’t know how he feeeeeeeeeeeels

Dammit

Fuckkkkkk


DUMBASS POEM TIME

Ok ok ok

I like him

So what


BOOM

BEST POEM EVER

I really don’t know what else I would write about it

Because the fact that I like him doesn’t mean anything

There are so many ways this could go and I just need to go with the fLoW

hrng


I don’t remember the last time I got that warm and fuzzy feeling and was comfortable with it

It was probably 7 years ago

7 fucking years ago I was starting to fall in deep infatuation with this other boy

This other boy who made me laugh

This other boy who was really cute

This other boy who liked me too

This other boy who I had inside jokes with

This other boy who I was pretty close friends with

This other boy who i had moments with

This other boy

This other boy who eventually forgot about me

This other boy who changed

This other boy who I was too scared, too insecure to pursue

The one that got away

Except he didn’t really get away. There really wasn’t any chance. He had changed. He had changed a lot. There wasn’t any space in his life for me anymore.

I’m not going to let that happen again.

Now there’s another boy

Another boy who I like a lot

Who will probably become all of the things this other boy was

Who is already becoming all of the things this other boy was

And I’m not going to be scared, I’m not going to be insecure

I’m not going to let him get away


That being said, lezgowidaflow

wheEeeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee

Explicit content false alarm

Soooooo I guess we’re doing this now

Ummmmmmm ok

Dammit I don’t even know y’all I’m so sorry I’m a horrible sinful human being but fuck man idk

What should I fantasize about now

You know I really really really really really just want someone to dirty talk me and make me fucking beg for it through just words

Yess he is v attractive to me okayyyyyyy we get ittttttttttttt

We’ve started flirting again and Helms ships it way too much and Russ needs to not be so extra but at least this time I have my walls up

They’re up good man like it’s actually rly working I feel pretty positive about it

Anyway where was I

Me at lunch “meat that I don’t wanna eat anymore”

Him “so what meat do you wanna eat”

I got flustered quick kiddo that’s a thing w me obv fucking ly

He’s such a kid like srsly

Long story short I ain’t gon get with you unless you’re mature enough to fucking communicate the end

Dammit idk I honestly just wanna like be near him but iddkfffkdkkdkkkkkk I ain’t gon chase after you bitch I ain’t a fucking puppy I don’t need you and you needa use your words if u wan get w me

Man I just wanna be fucking near him lol

O damn maybe my walls weren’t as up as I thought

Walls stop it

Get back up

I’m probably one of the only few girls who loves sex jokes and who isn’t rly phased by sex and penis shit bc well u know why… Fucking hate my childhood

God idk I like him but I’m tired of debating this yo it’s just tiring me out and I need my energy

i don’t even know who you are

see above

like fr like I don’t even know him

I know absolutely nothing about him.

Nothing.

Nada.

Nothing.

nothing

No. fucking. thing.

Did you get that?

Are you sure?

Nothing.

There is nothing between you. Absolutely n o t h i n g. And there will beĀ nothing. I’m glad you got that now shut the fuck up and get back to fucking work Hanna.

i really fucking hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee everything and please get the fuck out

lol

I REALLY FUCKING HATE EVERY FUCKING THING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD JESUS FUCK FUCKING KILL ME I WANNA FUCKING DIE I’M SO FUCKING SAD AND SAD AND SAD AND SAD AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUCKING DIE

k imma listen to Goblin by Tyler and fucking kms kmskmskmksmksmkmskmskmks fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

just hormones don’t worry about it don’t fucking worry about fucking don’t fucking OWRRY ABOUT ME NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME


also

yes

please get the fuck outta my head

every fucking time one of these fucking invasive thoughts gets in my head i fucking hate myself please FUCKING STOP BRAIN STOP IT FUCKING S T O P.

NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN

NOTHING

NOTHING

NOTHING

NOTHING

NOTHING

N O T H I N G

NO FUCKING THING IS GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN OKAY?

Do what Tyler Joseph says

sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind

word Tyler word

The only thing that helps is music

and the little contact I get with my babies back home

Just 15 days

15 tiny days until I cry my fucking face out because I miss my babies so much

things he notices

so let’s talk about this

Why do you notice irrelevant shit about me?

No one notices that about me. No one comes to conclusions about me like that.

You don’t know everything about me. A relationship isn’t built on some unspoken connection, it’s built on a real, tangible connection that is established through actual conversation.

Actual. Conversation.

Who the fuck pays attention to whether I carry a fucking water bottle with me everywhere. Like even I don’t fucking do that. The humming I can see, but the water bottle?

I would say that I’m not looking for signs that he actually cares, but surprise, I secretly am. We’re just going to go with the automatic assumption: No he doesn’t. He doesn’t unless he says so. Signs mean nothing. Moves mean nothing. I need it said in words to my fucking dumb ass face.

So there. No looking for signs. No hanging onto hopes. No chasing questions around in circles. No speculation. There are no clear signs that someone likes you unless they say so to your fucking face. There is no other way you can be completely sure. I made that mistake this time, but I won’t make it again. Nothing is going to happen between us. Nothing.

I repeat, nothing is going to happen unless he actually tells me that he has feelings. Again, nothing is going to happen unless he tells me in clear terms that he has feelings for me. That does not mean “I want to fuck you and you’re really attractive to me.” Because that shit means nothing. Physical shit doesn’t fucking matter. Sex is meaningless… and besides, I give it fucking meaning anyway which is worse if it actually has meaning to them.

And guess what Hanna, he’s not. He’d never do that. It’s just not a thing that he’d do. He’s not the type to talk about his fucking feelings. He’s not the type to show his vulnerabilities. He’s not the type to open up, especially not to me.

Set your boundaries now Hanna. No inappropriate touching. NO INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING HANNA. NOTHING THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING YOU WOULDN’T DO WITH SOMEONE AT THE SAME FRIENDSHIP LEVEL AS HIM.

He. is. not. special. He. does. not. have. any. extra. meaning. He. does. not. care. about. you. like. that. You’re just a friend. The end.