please help

get these unrealities out of my head

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Movie night

~ A fucking shitty ass poem by me ~

Every Saturday night for the last six weeks
For five of those weeks I was with you
For the last one you weren’t
For the last week we haven’t been a thing
Scratch that, we’ve never been and will never be a thing

Because even though I *think* that I can see you looking at me out of the corner of my eye
I know that it’s not real
I know that it’s just wishful thinking
I know that my brain is just spinning lies because it can’t face reality

Fantasies
Beautiful imaginary worlds where I can believe for a second that I’m actually happy
Where I can forget how he doesn’t like me like that and I wasn’t asking for much
I wasn’t asking for love I was just asking for a chance for a little sliver of hey maybe we could be something

But that’s not a thing
It’s not a thing anymore
It’s not real
It’s not real
It’s not real
It’s not fucking real

IT’S NOT REAL HANNA

It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real

You think he likes you but HE DOESN’T

You think you like him but YOU DON’T

YOU DON’T LIKE EACHOTHER IT’S NOT REAL IT’S NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL

It’s not fucking real stop imagining shit

strangers with benefits haha

so imma come clean for a sec, i am of the belief that he has been looking at me without having a good reason to like u know when u have a crush on someone. I have strictly not been looking at him like i did before bc obviously I’m *acting normal* like I said I would. I am acting so normal like I’m not avoiding anyone, I’m not sulking, I’m not chasing. I’m just doing my own fucking thing. But obviously if I’m not looking at him I can’t be sure if he’s looking at me so obviously my mind could be making up things bc it does that sometimes.

Long story short, I know what i want like i said. I know what i want and if he’s not gonna give me that then I’m not gonna play the fool for him. I’m not going to settle for less. I deserve more than that.

Commitment may scare him but that’s not really my problem is it? He may have attachment issues because of moving around a lot but that’s not really my problem. It’s not my problem unless he talks to me about it which he probably won’t because he hasn’t initiated any actual real conversation with me and he probably won’t.

If we did fuck it would just be fucking a stranger.

Sad

I’m a little sad

Yeah I did get my hopes up

Yeah I also don’t have time to have shit like this in my life

Yeah I really want a real loving fulfilling relationship

I just

I want that so badly

But obviously I’m not a desperate ass bitch bc I would hate to be that girl who pines over every guy who shows interest in her. I… I just..  Think it woild be nice. It would be really nice

smart people have emotions too

okay so it really annoys me when people assume that just because you’re really dedicated to your work and that you don’t have a lot of close relationships and that you don’t behave like a typical normal emotion-feeling human being that you don’t have feelings. Social fucking norms.

JUST BECAUSE WE DON’T EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS IN THE SAME WAY DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE DON’T HAVE FEELINGS JESUS FUCK

IT REALLY FUCKING ANNOYS THE FUCK OUT OF ME

Oh yeah obviously since I seem like I don’t get as emotional about things, I don’t get emotional about things at all right?

It’s like kiddos with autism, just because they can’t communicate correctly doesn’t mean that they don’t have thoughts or ideas or feelings.

That’s all.