get these unrealities out of my head
~ A fucking shitty ass poem by me ~
Every Saturday night for the last six weeks
For five of those weeks I was with you
For the last one you weren’t
For the last week we haven’t been a thing
Scratch that, we’ve never been and will never be a thing
Because even though I *think* that I can see you looking at me out of the corner of my eye
I know that it’s not real
I know that it’s just wishful thinking
I know that my brain is just spinning lies because it can’t face reality
Beautiful imaginary worlds where I can believe for a second that I’m actually happy
Where I can forget how he doesn’t like me like that and I wasn’t asking for much
I wasn’t asking for love I was just asking for a chance for a little sliver of hey maybe we could be something
But that’s not a thing
It’s not a thing anymore
It’s not real
It’s not real
It’s not real
It’s not fucking real
It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real It’s not real
You think he likes you but HE DOESN’T
You think you like him but YOU DON’T
YOU DON’T LIKE EACHOTHER IT’S NOT REAL IT’S NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL NOT REAL
It’s not fucking real stop imagining shit
so imma come clean for a sec, i am of the belief that he has been looking at me without having a good reason to like u know when u have a crush on someone. I have strictly not been looking at him like i did before bc obviously I’m *acting normal* like I said I would. I am acting so normal like I’m not avoiding anyone, I’m not sulking, I’m not chasing. I’m just doing my own fucking thing. But obviously if I’m not looking at him I can’t be sure if he’s looking at me so obviously my mind could be making up things bc it does that sometimes.
Long story short, I know what i want like i said. I know what i want and if he’s not gonna give me that then I’m not gonna play the fool for him. I’m not going to settle for less. I deserve more than that.
Commitment may scare him but that’s not really my problem is it? He may have attachment issues because of moving around a lot but that’s not really my problem. It’s not my problem unless he talks to me about it which he probably won’t because he hasn’t initiated any actual real conversation with me and he probably won’t.
If we did fuck it would just be fucking a stranger.
i love how i used to think i was aromantic and now it’s like glaringly obvious to me that i’m a huge romantic lol
I’m a little sad
Yeah I did get my hopes up
Yeah I also don’t have time to have shit like this in my life
Yeah I really want a real loving fulfilling relationship
I want that so badly
But obviously I’m not a desperate ass bitch bc I would hate to be that girl who pines over every guy who shows interest in her. I… I just.. Think it woild be nice. It would be really nice
okay so it really annoys me when people assume that just because you’re really dedicated to your work and that you don’t have a lot of close relationships and that you don’t behave like a typical normal emotion-feeling human being that you don’t have feelings. Social fucking norms.
JUST BECAUSE WE DON’T EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS IN THE SAME WAY DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE DON’T HAVE FEELINGS JESUS FUCK
IT REALLY FUCKING ANNOYS THE FUCK OUT OF ME
Oh yeah obviously since I seem like I don’t get as emotional about things, I don’t get emotional about things at all right?
It’s like kiddos with autism, just because they can’t communicate correctly doesn’t mean that they don’t have thoughts or ideas or feelings.
still treating this like he don’t want me because he doesn’t
he don’t like me i don’t like him
i don’t like him he don’t like me ta-da
ok so how did it start
i fucking remember how it was before fucking crush shit got in the way
we were fine we were friends it was fine it was good it was cool then noooooooooooooo he has to fucking START FLIRTING WITH ME
THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT I CAN REMEMBER
HE STARTED FLIRTING
*HE* STARTED FLIRTING
H E STARTED IT
not me bitch n o t m e
why the FUCK
yeah sure just so you can fucking get laid??????????
bitch no bitch NO
here are my memories of my interactions with him
– basic, he’s p cute to me, obv we’re all still acquaintances n shit so whatever
– july 4, i talk to him about music fucking dumb ass shit hanna, i say childish gambino and fucking kendrick he says kendrick rly fine god i don’t like you either
– what the fuck hanna
– july 4, walking back to theatre, alana and i each grab one of his arms, he pulls away from both
– i wanna fuckign kill myself
– okok whatever nothing notable until like a-day when i go with his fam along with a couple others and we have chik-fil-a since i have no fam and it cool we’re fucking FUCKING FRIENDSJESUS FUCK I WANNA FUCKING MURDER MYSELF
– i still think he’s cute ig but it’s whatever it really doesn’t get in the way of my interactions with him
– around this time i realize i don’t rly wanna conrad anymore sorry conrad you’re a gr8 guy but not my type
– like a day after basic ends, we’re going around to places idfr where the fuck we were fucking going???? c store i think????? shit like that??????????????????? what hte fuck??????
– parent’s wekeend, i run into him after the football game, say “look philson this is my brother say hi” bla bla bla whatever the fuck
– around my 18th birthday, he starts flirting with me. hanna since it’s your 18th birthday, this is for you, nipple ok great bitch great
– he’s doing the cadate-ing 21 girls at this time
– i wanna fucking kill myself
– i ask them to get me food after some fucking training session, thank youuu ilyyyyyy he gets me fucking food. I go to get it from him, he says nah jokingly you gotta do something for me and doesn’t give it to me until I distract him by asking when his bday is implying that dick suck
– ok fine whatever then we have a football game whenever again like the second one the one where he gets a shitton of ranks so he’s cadet pres of us. he flirts. he puts his arm around me casually for like a second it doesn’t rly mean anything.
– that night, we’re watching a movie. pham and him go to get food. he comes in and lies on me. and the cuddling starts
– next weekend, af ball, i faint whatever he jokes about catching me. we go in separate groups to watch the kingsman, i stand up p obviously to go sit next to him. we touch not rly much we can do i nterms of cuddling
– next weekend, cuddling sorta again. we’re watching It. I put his leg between mine. whatever.
– there’s supposed to be a movie night the next day. I sit awkwardly next to him bc there’s nothing happening yet.
– like that thursday or wednesday or some shit, rumo holds a chem study sess. neither of us have chem but both of us show up. he lies on me again bla bla bla seymour comments get a room. that puts an end to things
– next weekend, cuddling again. we’re watching the fight club. We’re sitting, he rests his arm on the back of the couch behind me, I press up against his side and rest my head on his shoulder basically
– he asks if king is here. i say no then why then oh my god. i say he should call me hanna. he goes to my room. i say we should talkkkkkkkk philsonnnnn. he says about what. I say idk. we talk about random shit, his fam, ny, la, whatever hwatever whatever, he went to 2 summer seminars, why he’s at usafa, what’s the worst thing i’ve ever done… u know what that is “i cheated on my boyfriend in high school, obv my grades were shit, worst few months of my life” then king comes in, buddhist discussion, he leaves
– next weekend, this past weekend, he doesn’t go to first movie night bc whatever i’m going to a-hall ok fine bye
– second movie night, it’s only him and pham. we cuddle with my head lying on his chest/shoulder area and eventually my hand lays on his chest too. my head migrates down to his upper stomach area.
– he asks if king is here again. i say no but she might come back tonight. he goes to his room saying hes gonna just go to sleep then. i go to my room and find out king is coming back “tomorrow” (she actually came back at like 1 am that night). i text philson saying “she’s coming back tomorrow” “but you don’t have to come over” he comes in my room without knocking. I say oooo look who showed up. he sits in the other chair. me “how was ur thing yesterday? him yesterday? me oh nvm i meant today.” he was vague it doesn’t rly matter bla bla blaaaaa then i say “i have a question……………………….do you actually like me or are you just playing?”
him “wow that’s a big question”
him “idk i don’t really think about it like that”
him “i just don’t rly attach to ppl like that”
him “has this been on your mind?”
me “a little yah”
some shit about “us”
him “o are u ok”
me “yeah yeah”
me “wait so have you ever been in a relationship??”
him “yeah like once”
him “like how lol”
me “like when”
him “junior year vague lasted a few months”
me “so you didn’t see this going anywhere”
him “no not rly like i said i don’t rly do that” or some shit like that
him “are you sure you’re ok”
me “yeah i ami am”
him “bc if u still hav eosmething on ur chest…”
me “yeah i just got my hopes up a little”
him “i’m sorry do u want me to leave”
me “yah that’d be good”
him “oki” gets up “stay strong oki hanna” awkward head hip hug where my head is literally level with his dick but let’s not think about the sexual undertones
so that’s that
hopes were up
give up hanna
yeah yeah yeah
i’ll go to the gym at 730 pm god i FUCKING HATE SMALL SCHOOLS I DON’T WANNA FUCKING RUN INTO ANYONE I FUCKING KNOW JESUS IS THAT TOO HARD TO ASK FOR