I’m going to do my best

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i thoroughly hate myself

I really really really hate myself. NO

NO I DON’T FUCKING HATE MYSELF

THESE LIL FUCKERS NEED TO STOP GETTING TO ME AND I NEED TO STOP LETTING THEM GET TO ME BECAUSE WHAT. THEY. FUCKING. THINK. DOES. NOT. MATTER.

STOP LETTING THEM FUCKING GET TO YOU HANNA

IF THEY’RE RUDE THEN WHO CARES THAT’S RIGHT, N O   O N E

NO ONE

NO ONE CARES

THEY DON’T CARE AND YOU DON’T CARE, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

I have the right of way. They don’t have the right to judge me. I have worked extremely hard to get here, and I’m going to keep working hard to get where I want to be. I’m going to be the best. I’m going to have four degrees look up to me and I’m going to inspire four degrees and I’m going to get into the Scholars Program and go to MIT and test pilot school and I’m going to inspire as many fucking people as I can no matter what these other fuckers think.

Everything I do will be because it makes me a better person. Yes, that means socially. I’m going to fucking EARN THE FUCKING RESPECT OF THESE FUCKERS WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT. NOW I’M GOING TO DO MY FUCKING HOMEWORK AND SLEEP AT FUCKING 0000 AND HAVE FUCKING TIME TO PREPARE FOR FUCKING MINUTES TO-FUCKING-MORROW.

GOOD-FUCKING-NIGHT.

I don’t need the shit these bitches give me. I refuse to take it, and I will not fucking stand for it. I am class rep and I am going to stay class rep for a long fucking time and none of them can do anything about that. I’m going to be on the Dean’s List and the Commandant’s List. I’m going to get into Group staff. I’m going to build fucking relationships that get me places.

new things

ok so I have some time before I do more homework

I talked to my therapist today (first therapy appt ever hu-ah) and she helped me realize that the main reason i’m having so much anxiety over this is that that for basically the first time, I find myself relatively lacking in a pretty important aspect of what I need to achieve my goals

Social skills and social anxiety have always been one of my biggest weaknesses, but I’ve always been able to compensate in some way by making up for in other things or just plain faking it

But now, with the fucking military, apparently a significant factor that they consider when making leadership and rank decisions is how fucking social, likable, charismatic, characteristic you are. This shit fucking annoys the fuck out of me because I completely disagree. Like sure, social skills are pretty important, but ability and potential and intelligence is also probably equally as important, right?

It’s immensely frustrating because SOCIAL SKILLS ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY MAJOR PLACE I HAVE TROUBLE IN. Physically, a little, but that’s not as important for leadership decisions. Not basic social skills, but just social anxiety and not overthinking social interactions and just not having fucking anxiety, ya dig? Like it was easier to not care in high school because it was easier to think that no one else really cared or judged if you made a mistake, especially in the high school I went to and the socially awkward environment of that. But then here, I feel like everyone is watching your every mistake and judging every single word that comes out of your mouth and scrutinizing your every action and mess-up. i fucking hate being a doolie. I just want to fucking be recognized so I don’t have to be scared of fucking walking in my own fucking hallway.

I fucking hate greeting I fucking hate how I’m too scared to go to my fucking room. I think fear is a form of anxiety right? This shit fucking annoys the fuck out of me. Just fucking eight more fucking months. Just fucking two more months before I can fucking run. I’m going to fucking run goddammit. I am going to fucking get my ass ready for shit and stay on top of shit.

Okay.

This helped. I’m going to finish some work then sleep at 0000. 🙂

idk tbh

so afa

the academic year started

I’ve been sad though about social stuff

I’m having trouble adjusting socially

I am of the opinion that i’m not


I thought a little more

I really need to take a few days to relax and look at things in perspective

I think I can free myself up enough to have free time on Saturday

I should also go out on Friday with my squad

I just need to get my legs under me and get my life together

I fell into the tunnel vision trap for a little

Had a little depressive thinking

Need to take some time to meditate and find myself again

Too much crying man

Well I’ve done more crying before

I’ll type more after work

daddy

so by my standards I still haven’t had my first kiss. that other one didn’t count. and it’s really really really fucking late hanna like you’re in college now cmon people will fucking expect you to have fucking had your first kiss lol. meanwhile kiddos are kissing in like fucking sixth grade like welp okay then…

I mean I’m only fucking 17 I guess but isn’t the avg age of losing virginity 17… looooool funny

but anyway so my thing is like i’m probably not going to get in a relationship this year and possibly for like… the rest of my academy career??? xD i don’t fucking know like I don’t need that in my life right?

Happy movie stories make me so happy that i cry lol I don’t know why. I cry so easily it’s probably because in the times that I do cry I’m actually like letting me feel emotion which I’m not used to xD That kinda makes sense actually

Like there’s that switch in me that i have no problem using on a whim at a moment’s notice. It’s very useful and I’m very used to not being “comfortable” or having everything I want because I deprive myself and I sorta lie to myself and tell myself that no I don’t really want a relationship I don’t really want affection or comfort but actually I do. I miss my closest friends back home so much. We bonded a lot because of shit and I know that I’m going to find my group here and bond with them and find my closest friends here too. Adversity brings people together. This squad is a family. I will not let anything get in the way of that. I actually really do like my squadron. I thought it was cliquey but actually it’s really not. We’re all really accepting and shit but whatever

so I was just thinking like… eventually I am going to find someone and I know I’ve said I don’t have criteria like most girls but heyyyy now I do. so here ya go:

– kinks
– music
– smart as fuck
– just general compatibility
– no greater than a 9 year age difference
– *mature*
– not ugly as fuck

so yeah
the thing is with the kink part like unless I go on birth control (probably will asap), I’m still going to have hormonal swings and I am seriously considering putting myself out there as a sub. Like… I don’t fucking know. LIKE I FUCKING HAD/POSSIBLY STILL HAVE PENETRATION FEAR AND I HAVEN’T KISSED ANYONE YET AND I’M A VIRGIN AND I HAVE NO ACTUAL REAL EXPERIENCE AND LIKE AM I SERIOUSLY GOING TO MARKET MYSELF AS THAT? I’m sure that I’m some doms’ type lol for fucking real. My first dom has to be gentle as FUCK though. Like they’re going to have to be into some fucking serious ddlg shit in order to like ease me through my firsts LOLOLOLOLOLOL… well it’s fucking Colorado Springs so… would probably be able to find someone.

For real it’s what’s been non-getting me off for the last few days and I’m definitely going to get my period because i am fantasizing as shit and I smell now. hormone swings amirite. but the hormone swings are a real pain in the ass right now and after my horny phase imma be like what no bdsm is dumb as fuck i don’t fucking need sex lol

and i mean i guess it’s sorta a 50/50 chance to see how bc affects me like i could become horny all the time but i doubt that’ll happen. People say that you still get hormone swings and if so imma freak and fucking find a fucking dom because fuck I need that fucking shit fuck

but yeah

got a lotta shit to do. i’m still fantasizing so imma just write out shit i guess

ddddaaaadddddddddddddyyyyyy
[interjection
another thing is like shit triggers me man. adam was fucking shit. maybe the shit at fucking dirty talk but I FUCKING HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH. THIS SHIT FUCKING TRIGGERS ME NOW AND WHATEVER FUCKING DOM GETS ME IS GONNA HAVE TO WORK THROUGH THAT SHIT TO AND IMMA BE CALLING THAT SAFE WORD SO MUCH AND NEEDING SOME FUCKING LOVE FUCK LOL FUCK ME IMMA FUCKING BITCH.]
okay i’m not gonna write it out after all bc it triggers me
fr tho
also listening to tyler the creator bastard and it is FIRE

divide

at this point in time, happier by sheeran sums up my feelings very well but perfect also gleans what i wish happened and what i semi/lk-wish will happen

perfect is really wishful though for me because my interpretation is that its about ppl who fell in love when they were kids and are now grown up and in love again
meanwhile happier basically sums up my mindset with jerika bc my interpretation is that it’s about someone he used to be with but then they broke up and now she’s with someone else and she’s happy but he’s semi-okay with it because she’s happy
thus “happier'”

excerpt

…your advice and insight has affected how much I have grown in the past +1.5 years. To name the major changes (this is already too long), I’ve become much more stable, able to identify when I’m being self destructive, and manage my self destructive tendencies. I’ve become more decisive, I’ve stopped denying myself happiness and gotten over my relationship fear. I’ve gained tons more confidence and personal insight. I’ve learned what I value, what is important to me, and what I’m interested in, and I’ve actually gained a personality and a sense of self. I’ve learned to not get stuck in the past or let my irrationality and self destructiveness rule my actions. Overall, I’ve become more intellectually and emotionally mature.

So much has changed in a little under two years and to be honest it hit me only recently that I’m actually *leaving*. Like the first phase of my life is literally symbolically over and now “real life” starts. You were a big part of how I became the person I am at this part of my life and I just want you to know that too 🙂

Imma visit when I can and keep in touch oki (basically w only u and Jwong tbh)

about me cut 2

I want to be an astronaut, as well as a research scientist, test pilot, software developer, YouTuber, author, musician, adoptive mother, and admissions counselor. I want to gain degrees in multiple fields and study aerospace engineering. I am attending the US Air Force Academy for college.

I am not cultured. I am a swimmer, a roboticist, and a scholar. I have been a cheater, and I will never be one again. I have been in love with one person in my life so far. I am sometimes self-destructive and self-punishing, but life has taught me to not follow those declining tendencies. I am a life learner and perfectionist. I am a leader. I am a strong, independent young woman.

I regret my first and only kiss. The worst feeling in the world for me is going against my gut. I love music, food, literature, themes, and psychology. I love robotics because of the people and my team. I put myself first before anyone else. I don’t stay stuck in the past, and I don’t have regrets. I live and learn and stay fit. I never give up. My biggest strength is my adaptability. I don’t know what my biggest weakness is yet, but being self-destructive is still an apparent problem.

I want to see the world. I want to fall in love and live life to the fullest. I want people to know who I am, and I want to change people’s lives. I want to be on the 2030s mission to Mars. I want to have meaningful relationships. I can’t wait to see what my future holds.