a tid story

he grabbed for her hand

she flinched away

are you leading me on? she asked, staring him in the eyes

woah he said way to be blunt…

you are she said you fucking are, she couldn’t pass up an opportunity to be dramatic as usual

she stood up, her hair falling into new positions she took a step back then another

my feelings aren’t something that you have the right to fucking play with ok it’s not just fun and games okay I’m not overreacting I’m not being dramatic I’m being normal and communicating my thoughts and feelings and I did not consent to this

she turned into the doorway


Hanna! wait Hanna no

he rushes and grabs her hand and pulls her to him she’s halfway out the door

now they’re facing eachother

now he puts his hands on both sides of her head

now he’s kissing her and she’s in shock but now she’s kissing back

wow what a romantic movie

wow how unrealistic


He watches her go.

 

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i’m really sick of love songs and here’s some emo lameass poetry

3 more hours

I don’t hate myself except I do

I don’t want to die except I do

I don’t wish you liked me except I do

I don’t like you a lot except I do

 


I want you to hold me

I want to travel everywhere with you

I want to see the Philippines, New York, Los Angeles, Hawaii, everywhere with you

I want to make memories and cherish them

I want you

I want you

I want you so fucking badly I want to throw my arms around you and I want you to stroke the hair on the back of my head I want to fall so hard but I can’t I can’t I can’t fall for you because you won’t fall for me

I hate being young

I hate life when all everyone cares about is temporary, reckless pleasure

When kids find things entertaining that I could care less about

When

When kids just wanna get laid and I’m here like hey I want an actual real deep supportive emotional relationship-LOL WUT BYE

I’M SO SICK OF TEMPORARY

I’M SO SICK OF WE’RE HAPPY NOW AND WE MIGHT NOT IN THE FUTURE BUT THAT’S OK LET’S BE HAPPY NOW

I don’t want now but not later

I want now and forever

Yeah bitch I know god I shouldn’t expect so much so early on but DOES NO ONE ELSE FALL THIS WAY?

DOES NO ONE ELSE JUST-

God god god god god god god please

please goddammit god fuck fuck fuck please

I want to be happy that’s all i want I want certainty I want assurance dammit I don’t need him dammit I could care less but why can’t someone else fall for me as much as I fucking fall for them? Huh? Is it that hard to ask for? Is it that hard to ask for someone like that? WHY CAN’T I FIND THEM??????????????????????????????????????????????

I fucking swear this shit is fucking me up so fucking much I want to fucking kill myself so bad I want to fucking kill myself I like him but he doesn’t like me we’re back where we fucking started con-fucking-gratulations Hanna CONGRATULATIONS GREAT GOOD JOB AMAZING JOB YOU’RE GREAT AT LIFE AND AT EVERYTHING AND YOU SHOULD FUCKING KILL YOURSELF FUCKING DO IT BITCH

I’m so fucking sick of love songs I’m so fucking sick of love I’m so fucking sick of letting people in I’m so fucking sick of everything and I don’t fucking ask for much dammit I don’t fucking ask for much I just ask for some fucking happiness I don’t fucking care if you don’t want forever that’s not a fucking requirement

I can deal okay at this point i’m so desperate for just some ounce of reciprocation for some ounce of reciprocated love. People love me people love me people love me people love me people love me fuck people love me fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck

PEOPLE LOVE ME BUT HE DOESN’T HE DOESN’T FUCKING LOVE ME IF UCKING SWEAR WHY CAN’T I FIND SOMEONE WHY CAN’T I FIND SOMEONE WHY CAN’T HE FIND ME DAMMIT

I FUCKING HATE MY EXTRA AF IMAGINATION THAT imagines everything that’s not real

Why does it do that?

That’s actually a good question for once Hanna

Why….

Reality is just too hard to face

I’m so used to changing my perception of things

Like no shit it’s not healthy but

 

cute

Choosing work over everything else is never an easy decision, but as always, I find myself choosing work over everything else. Work over dumb shit sure, but also work over relationships, work over connection, work over emotional sustenance.

Neglecting your emotions doesn’t lead to good things, but that’s okay that’s okay I’ll manage, I’ll find a way to not self-destruct I’m not being self-destructive

He touched me and I swear I die every time he does

I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough, I’m just not enough. How could anyone like me? How could anyone be attracted to¬†this? I will always choose work over you, I’m not even that attractive, I have avoidant attachment issues, I have social anxiety, I am insecure, I shut down and distance myself in times of crisis. Sure these are all things I am working on but how could anyone want this???????

Love

Love is such a big word

I’ve written a lot about love that I don’t want to repeat but fuck it right?

 

IT’s such a big word

A big word with big implications

Death, war, tragedy, suicide, fucking, sex, disease, idfk what else…

Love can do so many things
Fix so many things
Incinerate so many things

Incinerate because it’s volatile
because it’s fire
because it’s dangerous to touch, to handle

 

A lot of the time I don’t know what I’m feeling

A lot of the time I feel like I love him

I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t-

I don’t I swear I don’t I don’t I DON’T I FUCKING DON’T-

 

Okay I just had a talk with myself about accepting my feelings and not being in denial because I cannot be in internal emotional conflict with myself right now because I have a lot of work and there are six more fucking days and I really need to get shit done. It’s okay.

 

Okay so I like him a lot I do like him a lot okay

When I’m really emotional you can call it love

That’s okay babe that’s okay you can call it whatever you want to call it

 

He might like me back

He just might he could he might he might he might he could

 

I…love…


I was triggered today it’s okay

i miss

I miss hi- woah there

I’ve lost control a little but that’s okay it’s okay I swear it’s fucking okay it’s a-fucking-okay I don’t wanna die I swear I don’t

I don’t I swear I don’t I don’t I don’t

I HATE IT WHEN PPL SAY don’t deny your feelings LET YOURSELF FEEL THINGS BUT WHAT IF FEELING THINGS MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE HUH

What if I CAN’T let my self feel what I want to feel?????????????????

What if? WHat if?

Fuck my overactive wandering imagination.

so what if I like him

I literally wrote this before it’s hilarious

Like fuck so what if I like him okay

So what if I want to constantly be around him

So whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I don’t know how he feeeeeeeeeeeels

Dammit

Fuckkkkkk


DUMBASS POEM TIME

Ok ok ok

I like him

So what


BOOM

BEST POEM EVER

I really don’t know what else I would write about it

Because the fact that I like him doesn’t mean anything

There are so many ways this could go and I just need to go with the fLoW

hrng


I don’t remember the last time I got that warm and fuzzy feeling and was comfortable with it

It was probably 7 years ago

7 fucking years ago I was starting to fall in deep infatuation with this other boy

This other boy who made me laugh

This other boy who was really cute

This other boy who liked me too

This other boy who I had inside jokes with

This other boy who I was pretty close friends with

This other boy who i had moments with

This other boy

This other boy who eventually forgot about me

This other boy who changed

This other boy who I was too scared, too insecure to pursue

The one that got away

Except he didn’t really get away. There really wasn’t any chance. He had changed. He had changed a lot. There wasn’t any space in his life for me anymore.

I’m not going to let that happen again.

Now there’s another boy

Another boy who I like a lot

Who will probably become all of the things this other boy was

Who is already becoming all of the things this other boy was

And I’m not going to be scared, I’m not going to be insecure

I’m not going to let him get away


That being said, lezgowidaflow

wheEeeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee

Explicit content false alarm

Soooooo I guess we’re doing this now

Ummmmmmm ok

Dammit I don’t even know y’all I’m so sorry I’m a horrible sinful human being but fuck man idk

What should I fantasize about now

You know I really really really really really just want someone to dirty talk me and make me fucking beg for it through just words

Yess he is v attractive to me okayyyyyyy we get ittttttttttttt

We’ve started flirting again and Helms ships it way too much and Russ needs to not be so extra but at least this time I have my walls up

They’re up good man like it’s actually rly working I feel pretty positive about it

Anyway where was I

Me at lunch “meat that I don’t wanna eat anymore”

Him “so what meat do you wanna eat”

I got flustered quick kiddo that’s a thing w me obv fucking ly

He’s such a kid like srsly

Long story short I ain’t gon get with you unless you’re mature enough to fucking communicate the end

Dammit idk I honestly just wanna like be near him but iddkfffkdkkdkkkkkk I ain’t gon chase after you bitch I ain’t a fucking puppy I don’t need you and you needa use your words if u wan get w me

Man I just wanna be fucking near him lol

O damn maybe my walls weren’t as up as I thought

Walls stop it

Get back up

I’m probably one of the only few girls who loves sex jokes and who isn’t rly phased by sex and penis shit bc well u know why… Fucking hate my childhood

God idk I like him but I’m tired of debating this yo it’s just tiring me out and I need my energy