fml

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lol

Jason Wong is so fucking hot

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffdaddy

lol i’m turning myself on dammit stop it hanna

for real though how the fuck can someone be so fucking attractive holy shit

Harmatia

I’m so fucking pissed again lol

I think it’s been about ~3 months since I last posted on here and once again it’s because I have internal confusion/conflict

We just had our first competition again and of fucking course I had to start leaning towards Jwong again. Fucking annoying as fuck jesus fuck.

Lol

FUCK I HATE FEELING THIS WAY

You have no idea

 

Anyway I decided to do my absolute best to let it go and if it’s renewed during Bridgewater, I’m pursuing it because I’m not going to live in an endless cycle of frustration and love without action.

It helped to make a decision on that so now I have to focus on work.

It’s still so annoying fuck fuck fuck i hate it I hate it so much. I’ve been talking to myself so much lately about it lol fuck it’s horrible.

shit on life quality and my importance triggered by PTD

once again it’s 5 am and i need to get shit outta my head

I am feeling very self-loathing at the moment and I left all my tg chats because I don’t want distractions because my whole life is a distraction and I need to stop with the fucking distractions.

I got accepted to Purdue and UIllinois and USCGA. Deferred from UMich. GTech decision comes out in 10 days. Cornell is due tomorrow. Decided not to do CMU. VTech is due in 13 days. I’ll get into VT.

I immensely loathe my quality of living at the current moment. I shed some tears at that. I guess coming back from the Philippines and seeing how they live really opened my eyes. Because it’s such a lower quality of life yet it’s so much more appealing for some reason. Maybe I’m romanticizing shit that I don’t know about but they live such a satisfying life. No worries no unnecessary shit to worry about no kinks no dreams. Of course, this is all from an outside pov and of course I don’t know shit about how they really live but that two week vacation in the Philippines was so relaxing. I finally went into no-worries mode. I finally found my worry-free, ignorance is bliss mode and I was so happy. I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And as usual, I question what the point of my life is. Not existentialist crap but crap like what am I doing with my life. Am I doing something meaningful? Will I end up doing something unimportant, something I don’t give a shit about? Do I deserve half the good things that come to me? Is it just good luck? Is it just because of things about myself that I don’t control like my gender and race? The one thing that I know I deserved is my robotics team and my position there. I put so much fucking work into that. But it’s become my weakness, my Achilles heel.

In a lot of interviews, they pose the question “What are your greatest weaknesses?” and while some people might say a bullshit answer or a real answer if they didn’t prepare or research, I say a prepared real answer. My greatest weakness is getting caught up in things that I am passionate about, that I love. And while those projects aren’t necessarily horrible things to be involved in, and while I may become really really good at that one thing, or really really prominent and known in that one thing, everything else suffers. FIRST Robotics is amazing. I love everything about it – the team, the people, the community, the pressure, the innovation, the stem, the mission… fucking… everything.

But I still have school and grades to worry about and robotics, and the last seventeen years of my life, have really revealed a lot about myself to me. Namely, what I’m naturally best at. People. People are my favorite. I love analyzing them; I love talking about them; I love their little quirks and their behaviors and their backstories. Characters. Character development. I recently came up with a sorta-motto about myself – “Language arts? always does well in Language Arts. It’s sorta a given that she does well in it.” And I know that many fucking people can be good at Language arts and fucking math and science but the polarization of our fucking society is fucking getting to me.

Can you have both? YES YES YOU CAN GODAMMIT. STop please. Stop. Stop questioning your intelligence and abilities Hanna. Please. Control. Your. Mind.

Topics Hanna worries about repetitively:

  • Her intelligence and abilities
  • Work and always being busy in general
  • If she is choosing the right life path
    • Are my dreams based on real passions?
    • I know that I’m not pursing my biggest passions and talents, will I still do okay?

I know I gotta stop worrying so much. My parents’ way of living is really nice. They follow Satsang Bees which basically endorses meditation and predestination and fate and karma. We’re vegetarians and follow this guru named Babashi too. It’s actually a really good message. They draw inspiration from all religions which I like because it’s very spiritual and I approve of the meditation and spirituality message. I don’t want to be a vegetarian though bc I don’t really believe in karma. Logically, I don’t believe in predestination and fate but it would be nice to believe that bc it would stop a lot of anxiety and worrying obv.

So what to do? I have to bury myself in work for now. Thanks for the output.

annoyed and envious

I don’t remember the last time I posted something here but I just need to get something out, as usual.

Life update: Going to the Philippines tomorrow for vacation for two weeks.

Jason is increasingly getting on my nerves. And now, so is Erika. They’re both so fucking alike. I don’t know if I should analyze exactly why they are beginning to ignore me or not. Whatever. Point is, they’re close to Alan which annoys me to no end as well. Example 1: Jason assumes I don’t know things about the team and that Alan does. Like, I’m the fucking captain of this team? Why the fuck would I not know this shit, huh? Do you not respect my position as captain that much? Example 2: Erika says “Alan knows a lot about planes, he’d be interested too” when of fucking course I know that he does? Like why would I not know that? I know, it’s dumb to get annoyed over that but that leads into another of my pet peeves…

When people assume I don’t know things that I do know. Obviously, it could be caused by them simply thinking I don’t know that thing with no further opinion on me, but it could also imply that they believe I am simply not intelligent enough in that subject. And my intelligence is one of my sore points.

Back to ranting about Jason. Character analysis: A fucking dumbass. Lol congrats Jason, you’ve made your first fucking enemy. No stop Hanna. What the fuck, stop. But no. I’m going to be honest here and say that I am harboring much ill will towards Jason at the moment. Of course, I am aware that this negative vibe will disappear over time, but the way that he acts is just fucking immature as fuck. He’s a fucking child. I can’t believe that I fucking fell so hard for him. Was I that desperate for… what? But yes, I was very torn up about this boy and look at us now.

Lol back to a numbered character analysis list…

  1. Private/Mysterious – He keeps a lot of things private about himself, his background, and his history. He either takes great care to keep these things unknown or he just doesn’t care to tell anyone about these things.
  2. Either very manipulative and deceptive or extremely innocent or that’s just his sense of humor. Will go into more depth later.
  3. Inherently nonsexual
  4. Very smart
  5. A people pleaser to an extreme fault – He thinks that he can be friends with everyone when this is absolutely not possible, and to be frank, it’s goes against my values to basically suck up to people just so they will like you. Nice, I got it.
  6. A nerd – Annoys me like most cultured, meme-loving nerds, but that’s not a unique problem.
  7. A slight hypocrite in that he believes in liberal values yet does not view them as his own. Of course, for example, you don’t have to be gay to support gay people, but he displays very traditional values such as belief in gender roles and mono-ethnic couples.
  8. Very naive
  9. Under great pressure to have success
  10. A very feeling-oriented person – This is very counter-intuitive as his Emotional Intelligence is so fucking low. He just feels a lot of things, and has…
  11. Has difficulty in translating his actual feelings and thoughts into real life words and actions authentically
  12. Insecure – He expressed his deep emotions to me, which stem from his typically blunt Asian upbringing, about his appearance and his fears about being “forever alone.” He fears, or feared, that he is so unlovable that *even his own parents might possibly not love him. (*Possibly incorrect)
    • Related anecdote he told me: When he got braces his mom said something along the lines of “I hope that even when your teeth are straight, girls will like you.” which is something that no parent should ever say.
  13. Dad – provider, down to earth, into political discussions, opinionated?, less approachable than mom, as typical
  14. Mom – enforces strict study schedules, very asian, attempts to imposes values of toughess and independence in children through overall strictness and toughness. Occasionally does the insult children thing to build up their defenses to that sort of thing. More involved in childrens’ developments.
  15. Both parents – definitely place a lot of high expectations on him.
  16. He is often compared to his sisters, presumably majorly Stephanie who was accepted to both Stanford and Harvard, among others, and went to Harvard on a full ride. This frequent comparison is greatly unliked by him.

Tangent analysis of his sister Stephanie:

  1. Was a very angry child
  2. Did not even flinch when hit
  3. Refused to see eye to eye with parents
  4. Stubborn as child
  5. Robotics captain
  6. Had heard broken by Vasu during senior year
  7. Went through really bad time after break up – grades suffered
  8. Very busy
  9. No time for much

So I’m back after an hour or so and my original flow has gone. So before I close I’m going to talk about the “type” that these people are. They’re the type of people that are over powered as fuck and they make it seem so easy. Obviously they put a ton of hard work into it and it is very possible. A lot of it also has to do with how they were raised and their upbringing and background and privilege early-on. However, it’s the mindset that they have, the prioritizing kind, that I envy. Envy… never thought I would say that about something.

That’s bad. I will attempt to aspire for that kind of mindset from now on. Good night. Good talk.

College

So I’m a high school senior and as many other seniors are feeling around this time, we are starting to feel the pressure of college admissions. I did all the early action applications I could do, but I was honestly not prepared for that October 15 application deadline. My common app essay was good, but it wasn’t proofread or corrected. It sounds awkward. My mom wrote it. It sounds quirky I guess.

Like now it’s hella because I corrected it and everything. My friendz are like “eyy this is so good Hanna ohmg” and I’m like “ya now it is but before it wasn’t and i still submitted that shit ahhhh.” My AFA essay was the corrected version but it was revised a little. The topic is really good, again, it’s just the fucking flow and grammar. Jesus christ, it sounds like I don’t even know English that well. God fucking dammit mom. Ugh. Georgia-fucking-Tech. UMich… anyway. I have to get my UMich interview in. My assigned interviewer isn’t replying.

ugh, anyway. For Georgia Tech I’m predicting… no or deferred. UIllinois – yes. Purdue – yes. UMich – no. Sigh. Cornell – waitlist. AFA – maybe… Can’t really tell with that one since it’s very holistic but all honesty, I’m more worried about getting a nomination for that one.

But yeah. I’m generally well versed in the college admissions process at this point since I’ve done EA for everything and only have 3 applications left. Everyone comes to me for advice and with questions on college n shit and I have this thing where I correct people’s essays and help with their college listing in exchange for food. Yes, I love food that much.

The problem with that though is what if I don’t get into the colleges I talk sm about. Like how hypocritical. Fucking Jason Wong’s sister got into Stanford and Duke and Harvard and I’m just here spewing bullshit. Just generally scared that I won’t get in ig. Marco is cute and smart and he’ll get into UVA lol