The world is so big and its kinda scary how we’re all basically blundering through it with no certainty of where we’re actually going.
Yeahhh quarter life crisis
On the road back to usafa after a week of h4h… ~14 hr ride
We’re almost halfway there… It’s a bummer that spring break ends tomorrow but it’s aight. 1 month then summer. The AFT will be aight. I mean it’s just 12-13 minutes. My sickness is pretty much gone so gym every day until AFT. Time management n shit. Gotta manage that burnout.
Burnout is definitely a lot more prominent now. How did I do it in high school? Like now I’m not as okay with being alone. It’s really strange… I mean was I ever really alone in high school? Not really now that I think of it… Never for whole weekends. It’s weird thinking back and seeing how insignificant those moments were to me. How normal normal was. I know I’ll get over this homesickness, this feeling of being lost and alone, it’s just a matter of time.
I really hate being in my room alone. Well maybe not hate, but it’s just… Not preferable. Being alone I mean. I think it’s the lack of a routine. A routine meaning stability. I wrote something a lil before about having table legs. Back during hi.co lol
That was a while ago man. Thinking about that makes me happy for some reason. Happy I guess cause that’s not something I miss. Do I miss high school in general? No. What I miss is the stability. The sureness of who I am and my place in the world. People say your reason for staying at USAFA often isn’t the reason you came. That just means USAFA, and probably normal college to an extent, exposes you to a new environment that makes you question your self-identity… Since your motivations are a part of that self-identity. Since your motivations are formed from your experiences pre-college.
I don’t miss high school in gen but I do miss the ucvts environment. If high school (at least my high school) are some of the most formative years of your life, growing up in a diverse environment like UCVTS was really a great experience. I do miss that feeling of walking through the quad during lunch and seeing everyone hanging out and knowing who I was in that community. It is a bunch like civilian college I guess. That… freedom. Freedom of expression. I identified with my clothes, I identified with my friends, I identified with the things I did.
I’ve noticed that I’m not as sure about my clothes now. Now that I think about it that’s probably bc my self identity has changed/is in the process of changing. I’m more self conscious bc I’m not as sure about myself and what I’m wearing. Which at the core is bc I lack confidence in my self-identity. When I dedicated myself to robotics, I found an identity in the team. I didn’t need to justify what I wore anymore bc I felt comfortable in my own skin – and since clothes are an extension of our skin, I felt comfortable in my clothes. It all comes down to having a confident self-identity.
Same thing applies to my music taste rn.
As lame as it sounds, I really do just need to find my place here.
I know my goals. So I just need to builds up my life around that. The only thing holding me back from my goals is the fact that it’s hard and a lot of work. I’d be okay? with being a B student, with having a mediocre life… But on second thought I don’t know about that. Yeah I want to settle down but I think that was only because I craved stability. I craved those pillars of self identity.
I thought that my self identity would be able to carry over to USAFA. I didn’t realize that that self identity has to rest on external factors. And some of those external factors that existed at UCVTS don’t exist as prominently at USAFA.
That’s why it’s been a lil bit harder for me to adjust – USAFA’s a pretty un-asocial school tbh. Probably cause of all the extroverts. God, asocial nerds were so easy to interact with. I didn’t have to worry about being externally judged so much. Yes external appearance matters but I really don’t care enough to put makeup on. I really don’t like having more material possessions than I need.
I remember going to high school and having my pouch of my essentials and having physics first period and after that I’d go to the bathroom and put lotion on and eye drops in then go to my “internship.” I remember always being late to calc and just hiding out in the bathroom because I hated going to that class late. I remember getting subpar calc grades and being nervous about Dr J and tutoring. I remember hanging out in Ms Gerstein’s room because robotics. I remember how much I loved robotics and the team. I remember worlds lol.
Mom’s right, I need to update my wardrobe. I’ll do it during those 3 weeks of nothing. I really miss doing things with my fam. I never realized that I didn’t actually spend time alone, I just didn’t “hang out” officially with friends. No one can be comfortable being alone in their room for days without some form of confident self-identity.
During this trip too, I’ve been feeling so so so not myself. Obviously because I’m not even sure what my identity is anymore in the first place. I would never hang out with these ppl irl except for Gaby and Abby. Not my crowd. Going on the astro trip would’ve probably made me a lot happier.
So yeah that definitely contributed to the identity dysphoria.
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I hate when what you wrote before doesn’t save..
I said something along the lines of I’m going to find my place and I’m going to find my group. What i had in 1257 is very rare to find and it is true that I wasted a lot of time on the team. CSOPS is a lot more low key though since I obv can’t do cyber anymore which sucks so much. Cyber could’ve been my new 1257 tbh I can see it… I could see myself as a cs major but… I can’t… Why not??? God. I’m so unsure about things.
I mean i came into here knowing what i wanted to do. I’m so unsure now.
I always related more to the programmers than the builders.