I felt lost for a lil while for some reason

maybe it was the fact that we’re moving again and I don’t like change

I just… didn’t know what to do

I don’t really know

I just like didn’t know what to do

I asked myself “What would make you happy right now? What do you want to do?” and I didn’t know.

I want to hang out with ryan but that’s scary

So many of my friendships arose from conflict but I don’t have time for conflict

Well… right now I sorta do… during summer… but I’m done with superficial dumbass drama.

Back to hanging out being scary… it’s scary because I want him to like me. But I’m not going to let fear rule over me anymore. Positive. Thinking. Lol he just needs to fucking text me and we need to hang out.

It would help if we had a mutual friend group… Andy’s pretty similar

I just fucking miss feeling like I have control over my life. I really don’t like change. Like having a level of unpredictability is good, but I don’t have a rock right now. I don’t have any safety people. Christina works for when I really need someone, but she hangs out with her own people… real bonding comes from shared troubles, shared problems. And yeah doolie year was a thing, but… it’s not really the things that happened to us that helped us bond, it’s the deeper meaning behind that. It’s what we gained from that experience. And I really related to what Ryan said about doolie year and his troubles.

Things will happen the way they’re meant to.


Predestination? Lol that’s funny. Not really, but it’s more like things will happen if they’re meant to happen. Don’t stress out too much about things because you can’t force things, you have to go with the flow. If it’s meant to happen then it will. I’m going to push my shit over to vandy now

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unsettling

I feel a little unsettled. It’s like there’s a hole in my core. Like I’m missing something.

What am I missing???? The last time I fully felt fulfilled was in robotics. Robotics…

I mean we already went over this. I liked the mission. I liked having a sense of purpose. Like… a place in the world. I liked knowing who I was. What else Hanna? What else?

Well… the environment. The inclusive environment. God, it’s so hard to explain, but it was such a nice team environment. I still have to finish researching transfer schools. God, so much to do lol.

I guess it’s people? Environment?

Let’s backtrack a little. I really internalized what my parents said 2 days ago, and it’s been working. My happiness comes from within.

Well, remember Stonybrook? Why do I feel longing for that place now? The freedom, duh. It was really nice. I was a pretty bad intern lol, but it was nice I guess. She’s going to Brown, right? God.

Why??? Why do I still feel this longing to be somewhere else?

My happiness does come from within. I do feel a lot better not letting things affect me anymore.

Choice. I can choose to be happy. Yeah, it’s the attitude. Right now I’m going to choose to be happy. Well I have to finish transfer research first dammit. Sighs…

This place isn’t so bad, but before I start giving it my best shot, I have to finish that transfer research… and career research.

Do I enjoy research? I know I enjoy math and learning and… I just feel a little lost again.

I’m going to do some menial errands then continue transfer research. It’s like I feel an obligation to work out. I think that’s also part of it. Yeah I care about physical fitness, but it’s definitely not one of my life or career goals. I might transfer and go civilian. At first glance, that’s what fits my current goals the most.

Financial aid and scholarships are a pain, but ya know. The free medical care here is also pretty great…

I’ll do some research.

GOD I FEEL SO UNSETTLED. Maybe it’s the feeling of doing nothing. I’m not really used to that. Yeah that sounds like it. I feel really really really unsettled right now. But I still have a whole bunch of stuff to do??!


A couple hours later: I figured it out lol, I just needed to work out. Emptying your mind is pretty important. Plus I’m going to meditation later!

Happiness

The world is so big and its kinda scary how we’re all basically blundering through it with no certainty of where we’re actually going.

Yeahhh quarter life crisis

On the road back to usafa after a week of h4h… ~14 hr ride

We’re almost halfway there… It’s a bummer that spring break ends tomorrow but it’s aight. 1 month then summer. The AFT will be aight. I mean it’s just 12-13 minutes. My sickness is pretty much gone so gym every day until AFT. Time management n shit. Gotta manage that burnout.

Burnout is definitely a lot more prominent now. How did I do it in high school? Like now I’m not as okay with being alone. It’s really strange… I mean was I ever really alone in high school? Not really now that I think of it… Never for whole weekends. It’s weird thinking back and seeing how insignificant those moments were to me. How normal normal was. I know I’ll get over this homesickness, this feeling of being lost and alone, it’s just a matter of time.

I really hate being in my room alone. Well maybe not hate, but it’s just… Not preferable. Being alone I mean. I think it’s the lack of a routine. A routine meaning stability. I wrote something a lil before about having table legs. Back during hi.co lol

That was a while ago man. Thinking about that makes me happy for some reason. Happy I guess cause that’s not something I miss. Do I miss high school in general? No. What I miss is the stability. The sureness of who I am and my place in the world. People say your reason for staying at USAFA often isn’t the reason you came. That just means USAFA, and probably normal college to an extent, exposes you to a new environment that makes you question your self-identity… Since your motivations are a part of that self-identity. Since your motivations are formed from your experiences pre-college.

I don’t miss high school in gen but I do miss the ucvts environment. If high school (at least my high school) are some of the most formative years of your life, growing up in a diverse environment like UCVTS was really a great experience. I do miss that feeling of walking through the quad during lunch and seeing everyone hanging out and knowing who I was in that community. It is a bunch like civilian college I guess. That… freedom. Freedom of expression. I identified with my clothes, I identified with my friends, I identified with the things I did.

I’ve noticed that I’m not as sure about my clothes now. Now that I think about it that’s probably bc my self identity has changed/is in the process of changing. I’m more self conscious bc I’m not as sure about myself and what I’m wearing. Which at the core is bc I lack confidence in my self-identity. When I dedicated myself to robotics, I found an identity in the team. I didn’t need to justify what I wore anymore bc I felt comfortable in my own skin – and since clothes are an extension of our skin, I felt comfortable in my clothes. It all comes down to having a confident self-identity.

Same thing applies to my music taste rn.

As lame as it sounds, I really do just need to find my place here.

I know my goals. So I just need to builds up my life around that. The only thing holding me back from my goals is the fact that it’s hard and a lot of work. I’d be okay? with being a B student, with having a mediocre life… But on second thought I don’t know about that. Yeah I want to settle down but I think that was only because I craved stability. I craved those pillars of self identity.

I thought that my self identity would be able to carry over to USAFA. I didn’t realize that that self identity has to rest on external factors. And some of those external factors that existed at UCVTS don’t exist as prominently at USAFA.

That’s why it’s been a lil bit harder for me to adjust – USAFA’s a pretty un-asocial school tbh. Probably cause of all the extroverts. God, asocial nerds were so easy to interact with. I didn’t have to worry about being externally judged so much. Yes external appearance matters but I really don’t care enough to put makeup on. I really don’t like having more material possessions than I need.

I remember going to high school and having my pouch of my essentials and having physics first period and after that I’d go to the bathroom and put lotion on and eye drops in then go to my “internship.” I remember always being late to calc and just hiding out in the bathroom because I hated going to that class late. I remember getting subpar calc grades and being nervous about Dr J and tutoring. I remember hanging out in Ms Gerstein’s room because robotics. I remember how much I loved robotics and the team. I remember worlds lol.

Mom’s right, I need to update my wardrobe. I’ll do it during those 3 weeks of nothing. I really miss doing things with my fam. I never realized that I didn’t actually spend time alone, I just didn’t “hang out” officially with friends. No one can be comfortable being alone in their room for days without some form of confident self-identity.

During this trip too, I’ve been feeling so so so not myself. Obviously because I’m not even sure what my identity is anymore in the first place. I would never hang out with these ppl irl except for Gaby and Abby. Not my crowd. Going on the astro trip would’ve probably made me a lot happier.

So yeah that definitely contributed to the identity dysphoria.

– – –

I hate when what you wrote before doesn’t save..

I said something along the lines of I’m going to find my place and I’m going to find my group. What i had in 1257 is very rare to find and it is true that I wasted a lot of time on the team. CSOPS is a lot more low key though since I obv can’t do cyber anymore which sucks so much. Cyber could’ve been my new 1257 tbh I can see it… I could see myself as a cs major but… I can’t… Why not??? God. I’m so unsure about things.

I mean i came into here knowing what i wanted to do. I’m so unsure now.

I always related more to the programmers than the builders.

Normal

What is normal?

Our normals constantly change.

One day I’m chilling at 128 Glenwood ct, Union, NJ and the next I’m 1.7K miles across the country 7K miles above sea level… It’s not so much the change in location though, it’s the change in environment. In being a senior in college and knowing my place in the world as president of Team 1257 and a future astronaut to being a doolie four degree in a military service academy treated as a second class citizen. It actually really helps put things in perspective for me in regards to how minorities are/were treated. It’s really hard to keep ahold of your goals and dreams when you’re constantly being beat down and demotivated. You gotta keep rediscovering that motivation.

It’s been less than a year still. Less than a year that I’ve been in this institution. More than a year since I found out that I’d be going here.

My normal used to be waking up to my mom yelling for me to get up ten minutes before the bus arrived, throwing clothes on, rushing to throw all my stuff together, getting in the car to speed to the bus stop. I love how you take little things for granted. Like how easy it was to get dressed in the morning. I miss that so much. My normal used to be A days and B days at UCVTS, chilling and studying at lunch wherever, the Matlins giving me food. Chilling at PE… Going home or to robotics after school. Then swimming… sometimes.

Ngl, one of the things I miss is how little I actually worked out… I was always really busy with other stuff. I also miss swimming lol. I miss swimming so much. Swimming was also my normal.

Part of disliking working out is being a doolie ofc. I probably need to start getting into running more if I’m going to be an astronaut. Hopefully I can get into other things like swimming though. I’ll have to do more research. Obviously I have to stay fit and I’ll keep my standards high.

I really miss swimming a lot. My times have definitely gone down at this point. I miss doing 1:16 100 breaststrokes. I miss swim meets. I miss trying hard at practices. I miss my pool. My pool that I’ve gone to since I was <8. My pool that I know and love.

I miss… being me I guess. I miss being able to be myself. Being a doolie really does suck. 100’s weekend was nice. Not having to look over your shoulder and live in fear and just be free.

There’s so much in my first ~17 years of life that are a blur, but there’s also so much that I miss. Recognition is in four days. Then two days then it’s all over. I just want it to be over. I can’t wait. I want a better normal.

Change

Everything changes so fast

Well not everything not usually at the rate that everything has changed for me

It’s been hard to wrap my head around how my life completely changed when I stepped foot on USAFA on I-Day.

I slept in the same bed for 17+ years. I had habits, I had routines, I was comfortable. I went to bed without pants usually. Now I sleep on a mattress on the floor usually in uniform. I used to wake up in the morning and throw on jeans and a T-shirt and whatever sweater.

That’s just… so strange…

I just stopped.

I just stopped doing all that. I just stopped living in New Jersey one day and started living somewhere else.

It’s not the things though it’s the people. Mostly my family. I’ve talked enough about my mom already though.

THIngs just change so fast so fucking fast… I’ll find my group I’ll find my people I will. I’ll find my place here.

I miss how easy life used to be.That’s a big thing. Life… used to be so fucking easy and I didn’t even realize it. Yes, I pulled all-nighters. Yes, I ended up crying on bathroom floors. No, I’m not trying to invalidate my past emotions… I just… it used to be so easy. I kinda dislike uniforms… not the concept, but how fucking hard they are to put on. Like I used to just slip into jeans and a tshirt and sneakers and then I was good. It took so fast, it was so easy. I miss that. Tying my fucking boots is so fucking annoying. I fucking hate tying shoes.

I just I miss it I miss it a lot. A civilian college would be easier. It would be. But I know why I’m here. I’m here because I’m going to work for NASA one day. I’m going to go to M fucking IT. I have to. I have to there’s just no other option and if I don’t…that’s not an option. That’s just not a fucking option. MIT is the goal, not the dream. And I’m going to reach it.

MIT then AFRL then NASA and all that science shit. I just couldn’t stand doing anything else.

When I decided to go to this school, I chose a hard path. I knew it would be hard. But I can do it. Recognition is three weeks away. Three. fucking. weeks. Three weeks then three days then my life going to be so much fucking better.

I chose this. I’m sure as hell not going to give up on my goals.

Dreams

What do I long for?

I long for the day when I can sit on my couch in my own apartment sipping wine and eating chinese food and watching ATLA and LOK again with my partner. When I can watch shows like Bones and Scandal with someone else over the course of a couple of months. Okay maybe not Bones, but you get the point. Maybe I’ll get into Game of Thrones.

When I can watch all the movies and shows I want to watch and play all the games I want to watch with someone and read all the books I want to read in my alone time. When I’m content with my life. When I’m comfortable.

I retire when I’m a little under 40 or low 40s right? I’ll figure it out. I will.

home

I talked to Katy for hours yesterday. It was nice. She had a lot of the same problems that I did, and still kind of do. Her reason for being here is because of financial independence from her parents. And she told me she probably would’ve left if it wasn’t for the rugby team. That makes a lot of sense actually. Like having a group of girls who you can just talk to and having a place where everyone is equal and having fun. It must be so… nice.

Why did I pick USAFA over Purdue?

  • guaranteed job
  • grad school… same opportunities
  • I picked it because of space
  • I picked it because it will be worth it
  • I picked it because I am going to become an astronaut and there is no plan B

Purdue is a great school, there’s no doubt about that. But USAFA is better. USAFA is better academically and harder overall. What does being an officer mean? Being an officer means pursuing my STEM interests and doing jobs that I love and traveling the world and living my fucking life to the best of my fucking ability.

The real air force will be better.

The real air force isn’t like USAFA. The real air force will be so much better and I’ll get to travel the world with great people and do research make good friends.

What I mean by homesick

When I say homesick, I don’t mean I miss home as in I miss home. I mean I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months thousands of miles away without a stable support system and it’s helped me reevaluate how I live my life. It’s helped me realize that family and friends are the most important thing in life and no matter what I should never lose sight of that. You never realize what you have until it’s gone. I guess you could say I took them for granted.

This year, I’m going to be me. I’m going to focus on myself and my needs and values and not let anyone take that away from me. I will no longer let fear rule my life.

I’m also not going to make such a big deal out of things. I’m not gonna apologise or disclaim my actions. I’m gonna be me. If people don’t like that then too bad. I will no longer let other people rule my life. If I have a whim, I’ll follow it. I won’t hold myself back from doing things out of irrational fears.

I won’t let anyone else determine my feelings and thoughts. And that doesn’t mean repression, denial, avoidance. That means I am me and I am confident being me and I don’t need anyone else or a significant other to make me whole. I am whole. I am.

I can’t wait

So like I’m super excited for Recognition to be over right? But at the same time, I’m scared of what life will be like afterwards.

Cadet Gerlach had a point when he said that Doolie year is just a phase. But I’ll be okay. I’ll make friends and next year when Thanksgiving rolls around I won’t feel as sad about coming back. The freedom aspect really means a lot. But just 64 more days. 64 more days until I can be myself and talk freely and not have to be scared of saying something wrong.

Rodney is really nice actually like I’d hang out with him. I should. He’s alone a lot of the time and I feel like he has some of the problems with making friends that I do.

It’ll figure itself out.