cute

Choosing work over everything else is never an easy decision, but as always, I find myself choosing work over everything else. Work over dumb shit sure, but also work over relationships, work over connection, work over emotional sustenance.

Neglecting your emotions doesn’t lead to good things, but that’s okay that’s okay I’ll manage, I’ll find a way to not self-destruct I’m not being self-destructive

He touched me and I swear I die every time he does

I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough, I’m just not enough. How could anyone like me? How could anyone be attracted to this? I will always choose work over you, I’m not even that attractive, I have avoidant attachment issues, I have social anxiety, I am insecure, I shut down and distance myself in times of crisis. Sure these are all things I am working on but how could anyone want this???????

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Love

Love is such a big word

I’ve written a lot about love that I don’t want to repeat but fuck it right?

 

IT’s such a big word

A big word with big implications

Death, war, tragedy, suicide, fucking, sex, disease, idfk what else…

Love can do so many things
Fix so many things
Incinerate so many things

Incinerate because it’s volatile
because it’s fire
because it’s dangerous to touch, to handle

 

A lot of the time I don’t know what I’m feeling

A lot of the time I feel like I love him

I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t love him I don’t-

I don’t I swear I don’t I don’t I DON’T I FUCKING DON’T-

 

Okay I just had a talk with myself about accepting my feelings and not being in denial because I cannot be in internal emotional conflict with myself right now because I have a lot of work and there are six more fucking days and I really need to get shit done. It’s okay.

 

Okay so I like him a lot I do like him a lot okay

When I’m really emotional you can call it love

That’s okay babe that’s okay you can call it whatever you want to call it

 

He might like me back

He just might he could he might he might he might he could

 

I…love…


I was triggered today it’s okay

i miss

I miss hi- woah there

I’ve lost control a little but that’s okay it’s okay I swear it’s fucking okay it’s a-fucking-okay I don’t wanna die I swear I don’t

I don’t I swear I don’t I don’t I don’t

I HATE IT WHEN PPL SAY don’t deny your feelings LET YOURSELF FEEL THINGS BUT WHAT IF FEELING THINGS MAKES YOU FEEL WORSE HUH

What if I CAN’T let my self feel what I want to feel?????????????????

What if? WHat if?

Fuck my overactive wandering imagination.

so what if I like him

I literally wrote this before it’s hilarious

Like fuck so what if I like him okay

So what if I want to constantly be around him

So whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I don’t know how he feeeeeeeeeeeels

Dammit

Fuckkkkkk


DUMBASS POEM TIME

Ok ok ok

I like him

So what


BOOM

BEST POEM EVER

I really don’t know what else I would write about it

Because the fact that I like him doesn’t mean anything

There are so many ways this could go and I just need to go with the fLoW

hrng


I don’t remember the last time I got that warm and fuzzy feeling and was comfortable with it

It was probably 7 years ago

7 fucking years ago I was starting to fall in deep infatuation with this other boy

This other boy who made me laugh

This other boy who was really cute

This other boy who liked me too

This other boy who I had inside jokes with

This other boy who I was pretty close friends with

This other boy who i had moments with

This other boy

This other boy who eventually forgot about me

This other boy who changed

This other boy who I was too scared, too insecure to pursue

The one that got away

Except he didn’t really get away. There really wasn’t any chance. He had changed. He had changed a lot. There wasn’t any space in his life for me anymore.

I’m not going to let that happen again.

Now there’s another boy

Another boy who I like a lot

Who will probably become all of the things this other boy was

Who is already becoming all of the things this other boy was

And I’m not going to be scared, I’m not going to be insecure

I’m not going to let him get away


That being said, lezgowidaflow

wheEeeeEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee

Explicit content false alarm

Soooooo I guess we’re doing this now

Ummmmmmm ok

Dammit I don’t even know y’all I’m so sorry I’m a horrible sinful human being but fuck man idk

What should I fantasize about now

You know I really really really really really just want someone to dirty talk me and make me fucking beg for it through just words

Yess he is v attractive to me okayyyyyyy we get ittttttttttttt

We’ve started flirting again and Helms ships it way too much and Russ needs to not be so extra but at least this time I have my walls up

They’re up good man like it’s actually rly working I feel pretty positive about it

Anyway where was I

Me at lunch “meat that I don’t wanna eat anymore”

Him “so what meat do you wanna eat”

I got flustered quick kiddo that’s a thing w me obv fucking ly

He’s such a kid like srsly

Long story short I ain’t gon get with you unless you’re mature enough to fucking communicate the end

Dammit idk I honestly just wanna like be near him but iddkfffkdkkdkkkkkk I ain’t gon chase after you bitch I ain’t a fucking puppy I don’t need you and you needa use your words if u wan get w me

Man I just wanna be fucking near him lol

O damn maybe my walls weren’t as up as I thought

Walls stop it

Get back up

I’m probably one of the only few girls who loves sex jokes and who isn’t rly phased by sex and penis shit bc well u know why… Fucking hate my childhood

God idk I like him but I’m tired of debating this yo it’s just tiring me out and I need my energy

i really fucking hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee everything and please get the fuck out

lol

I REALLY FUCKING HATE EVERY FUCKING THING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD JESUS FUCK FUCKING KILL ME I WANNA FUCKING DIE I’M SO FUCKING SAD AND SAD AND SAD AND SAD AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUCKING DIE

k imma listen to Goblin by Tyler and fucking kms kmskmskmksmksmkmskmskmks fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

just hormones don’t worry about it don’t fucking worry about fucking don’t fucking OWRRY ABOUT ME NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME


also

yes

please get the fuck outta my head

every fucking time one of these fucking invasive thoughts gets in my head i fucking hate myself please FUCKING STOP BRAIN STOP IT FUCKING S T O P.

NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN

NOTHING

NOTHING

NOTHING

NOTHING

NOTHING

N O T H I N G

NO FUCKING THING IS GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN OKAY?

Do what Tyler Joseph says

sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind

word Tyler word

The only thing that helps is music

and the little contact I get with my babies back home

Just 15 days

15 tiny days until I cry my fucking face out because I miss my babies so much