Change

Everything changes so fast

Well not everything not usually at the rate that everything has changed for me

It’s been hard to wrap my head around how my life completely changed when I stepped foot on USAFA on I-Day.

I slept in the same bed for 17+ years. I had habits, I had routines, I was comfortable. I went to bed without pants usually. Now I sleep on a mattress on the floor usually in uniform. I used to wake up in the morning and throw on jeans and a T-shirt and whatever sweater.

That’s just… so strange…

I just stopped.

I just stopped doing all that. I just stopped living in New Jersey one day and started living somewhere else.

It’s not the things though it’s the people. Mostly my family. I’ve talked enough about my mom already though.

THIngs just change so fast so fucking fast… I’ll find my group I’ll find my people I will. I’ll find my place here.

I miss how easy life used to be.That’s a big thing. Life… used to be so fucking easy and I didn’t even realize it. Yes, I pulled all-nighters. Yes, I ended up crying on bathroom floors. No, I’m not trying to invalidate my past emotions… I just… it used to be so easy. I kinda dislike uniforms… not the concept, but how fucking hard they are to put on. Like I used to just slip into jeans and a tshirt and sneakers and then I was good. It took so fast, it was so easy. I miss that. Tying my fucking boots is so fucking annoying. I fucking hate tying shoes.

I just I miss it I miss it a lot. A civilian college would be easier. It would be. But I know why I’m here. I’m here because I’m going to work for NASA one day. I’m going to go to M fucking IT. I have to. I have to there’s just no other option and if I don’t…that’s not an option. That’s just not a fucking option. MIT is the goal, not the dream. And I’m going to reach it.

MIT then AFRL then NASA and all that science shit. I just couldn’t stand doing anything else.

When I decided to go to this school, I chose a hard path. I knew it would be hard. But I can do it. Recognition is three weeks away. Three. fucking. weeks. Three weeks then three days then my life going to be so much fucking better.

I chose this. I’m sure as hell not going to give up on my goals.

Advertisements

Dreams

What do I long for?

I long for the day when I can sit on my couch in my own apartment sipping wine and eating chinese food and watching ATLA and LOK again with my partner. When I can watch shows like Bones and Scandal with someone else over the course of a couple of months. Okay maybe not Bones, but you get the point. Maybe I’ll get into Game of Thrones.

When I can watch all the movies and shows I want to watch and play all the games I want to watch with someone and read all the books I want to read in my alone time. When I’m content with my life. When I’m comfortable.

I retire when I’m a little under 40 or low 40s right? I’ll figure it out. I will.

home

I talked to Katy for hours yesterday. It was nice. She had a lot of the same problems that I did, and still kind of do. Her reason for being here is because of financial independence from her parents. And she told me she probably would’ve left if it wasn’t for the rugby team. That makes a lot of sense actually. Like having a group of girls who you can just talk to and having a place where everyone is equal and having fun. It must be so… nice.

Why did I pick USAFA over Purdue?

  • guaranteed job
  • grad school… same opportunities
  • I picked it because of space
  • I picked it because it will be worth it
  • I picked it because I am going to become an astronaut and there is no plan B

Purdue is a great school, there’s no doubt about that. But USAFA is better. USAFA is better academically and harder overall. What does being an officer mean? Being an officer means pursuing my STEM interests and doing jobs that I love and traveling the world and living my fucking life to the best of my fucking ability.

The real air force will be better.

The real air force isn’t like USAFA. The real air force will be so much better and I’ll get to travel the world with great people and do research make good friends.

What I mean by homesick

When I say homesick, I don’t mean I miss home as in I miss home. I mean I’ve been through a lot in the past 6 months thousands of miles away without a stable support system and it’s helped me reevaluate how I live my life. It’s helped me realize that family and friends are the most important thing in life and no matter what I should never lose sight of that. You never realize what you have until it’s gone. I guess you could say I took them for granted.

This year, I’m going to be me. I’m going to focus on myself and my needs and values and not let anyone take that away from me. I will no longer let fear rule my life.

I’m also not going to make such a big deal out of things. I’m not gonna apologise or disclaim my actions. I’m gonna be me. If people don’t like that then too bad. I will no longer let other people rule my life. If I have a whim, I’ll follow it. I won’t hold myself back from doing things out of irrational fears.

I won’t let anyone else determine my feelings and thoughts. And that doesn’t mean repression, denial, avoidance. That means I am me and I am confident being me and I don’t need anyone else or a significant other to make me whole. I am whole. I am.

I can’t wait

So like I’m super excited for Recognition to be over right? But at the same time, I’m scared of what life will be like afterwards.

Cadet Gerlach had a point when he said that Doolie year is just a phase. But I’ll be okay. I’ll make friends and next year when Thanksgiving rolls around I won’t feel as sad about coming back. The freedom aspect really means a lot. But just 64 more days. 64 more days until I can be myself and talk freely and not have to be scared of saying something wrong.

Rodney is really nice actually like I’d hang out with him. I should. He’s alone a lot of the time and I feel like he has some of the problems with making friends that I do.

It’ll figure itself out.

I am sad

Just came back from winter break

I am sad

I miss my mom

I miss my mom so much

I miss her so much

I miss home

I miss my family

I miss my friends

I’m crying because I miss them so much and I didn’t wanna leave

I’m going to write out what happened over break so I can process it


My finals ended on Wednesday. I get my flu shot. I go eat dinner. I go to my room and lounge around for the next few hours. I am probably the last doolie in squad at this point. There is a feeling of… restlessness and relief and I’m done the semester is done it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over

I also miss getting to do what I want and not having to worry about work and training and how stressful everything is and how scary the future is

I know, I have to live in the moment and take it easy, that’s part of my New Year’s resolution.

I also miss having space I guess. Space is so fucking important. Why do humans like big airy rooms? Whenever I come to my dorm room after a break I am stricken by how fucking small our room is. It’s fucking tiny.

I also need to get out more. Yes, I tell myself that I can manage, that I don’t really need people, but by god, I really do need people and i want to make friends and put myself out there and not be depressed and stressed in my room and library all the time.

Like I’ve gotten this far. I am eight-fucking-teen. I am fucking 18. I am 18. I have lived for 18 years and I have a shitton more ahead of me. In 3.5 years I will be 21. I will be 21 and I will graduate. I will graduate from the United States Air Force fucking Academy. It’s just… so… daunting to think about. It’s more than daunting. it’s fucking terrifying. And one of the only things that I’ve found helps is when I have my mom with me. I love my mom so much. I just feel so much better whenever she’s around.

Being away from home in this place undergoing the things I did for the last 6 months really makes me rethink the things that I value most in my life and I am a million times more thankful for my family and friends now. Yes, I went to a high school and had to deal with a similar situation, but after school I could come home to my family and I still had friends in swimming and I didn’t have training sessions or military things to deal with.

I mean here I am eating a sandwich that my mom made and I am so thankful that she cares enough to just make me a fucking sandwich and it means so much and I am very emotional but it’s ok I’ll be ok in a couple of days

Next year I’m going to get a therapist or psychiatrist in the Springs when I can drive.

I feel a little lost, you know? Like… what is the point of my life? Like why do I want to become an astronaut? That wish is based in 1. a desire to not be forgotten, 2. a desire to affect the lives of other people, 3. a fascination with space. I don’t… I don’t know anymore. “To go to space”

So few people get to do that. Ok, how about this. I’ve been looking at this as in “the meaning of life” you give your life meaning and you must dedicate your life to that. No. You won’t be able to live life if you do that. Life is life. We’re only here for so long and we can only do so much and experience so much and I am not going to die with regrets. That is my life goal. Don’t die with regrets. I’m going to live my life to the fullest extent that I can. And that does mean getting good grades in school because I actually like learning especially when you have friends who also do and who you can do it with. I am 18 years old. I am 18 years old and I am going to live my life to the best of my ability for the whole rest of my life

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future because that’s just something I do especially when not satisfied with where i am. That… that says a lot. Last year was hell and it looks like this year is also gonna be  NO FUCK. NO. THIS YEAR IS GOING TO BE GREAT. THIS YEAR IS NOT GOING TO BE SHITTY UNLIKE THE LAST 2 YEARS. I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS YEAR MY BEST YEAR YET. I AM GOING TO LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE AND COME OUT FEELING GOOD ABOUT THIS YEAR. I am. I fucking am. I am going to be myself and live my life and take things as they come and stop repetitive thinking patterns. Like the new sign on my desk says: There are so many reasons to be happy.

There are so many reasons.

I am so thankful that I have had such great family and such great friends and it really is true that they are very important in life.

Ok imma sleep now

I wrote this over the course of several hours btw bc i was doing other stuff

gn

everything

I’m back home

I’m back home

I’m back home

I’m back home

I’m back home

I see him again

Stuff happens again

I don’t stop stuff from happening

I don’t stop it from happening

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate to feel

I’m desperate

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

something good

to feel loved

to feel like I matter to someone

feel

why is it so hard


I’ m tired of telling myself that he doesn’t like me

Stop. living. in. your. head.

I hate how I was raised

I hate that I’m like this.


A list of things that I haven’t been diagnosed with

  • Social anxiety disorder
  • Avoidant personality disorder

I. Don’t. need. anyone.

I don’t need anyon

I don’t need anyone

I don’t need anyone

I don’t need anyone

I don’t neeed anyone

I don’t need anyone

I don’t need anyone

I- fuck fuck fuck do i need someone?

NO. No, no, no, noononononono

good bye.

I don’t need anyone, I want someone. I don’t want anyone. I don’t I don’

no fr I rly don’t lol I’m too picky for that,


WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS A TYPE

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

FUCK THAT SHIT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK. THAT. FUCK THAT SHIT I WANT TO FUCKING MURDER IT SO MUCH UNTIL I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING THROUGH THE BLOOD COVERING MY FUCKING FACE


I have problems.

i have problems that I need to figure out.

I need to learn how to drive then get a civilian therapist in the Springs.

I need to fix my problems.

I wasn’t raised securely. I experienced things early on that made a major effect on my personality. I have problems. I’m going to fix them.


Normal.

What is that? Normal???? What?

I am sad. It’s less about him then about how unreciprocation makes me feel. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel sad. It makes me despise myself.

My whole life I’ve been incapable of faking it

I don’t have daddy issues

I have issues with validation and self-worth

I have issues with feeling cared about

[that was beautiful i should make that a poem]


the daddy poem

people used to ask me if I had daddy problems because of my kink

I don’t have daddy issues

“Mom, I’m feeling sad because of this”

“You shouldn’t have done that then. It’s all your fault. You’re wasting your time with trivial emotional stuff. Why don’t you spend your time on things that actually matter?”

What are things that matter?

School, work, school, work, school, work, school, work, school, I hate my life

No you don’t. You don’t need anyone. Remember what I said before? Stop being emotional.

Myself.

That’s all i have.

I’ve taught myself to live with myself, but we’re creatures of habit, right? Other people are so unfamiliar. How can i let them in?

I don’t have daddy issues.

I have attachment issues

I have avoidant issues

I have self-identity issues

I have insecurity issues


military brats

you learned to rely on those around you

I learned to rely on no one

you learned to rely on your family

I learned to rely on myself

My whole life I’ve been alone

my whole life all i’ve had is myself

My whole life the only support I’ve had is myself

My whole life I’ve been an outsider staring in

My self-image is so fragile that i’m terrified of other people


You

you’re really pretty you know I’ve never really told you that

You’re really really pretty

Like another guy

And this is not going to happen again

I don’t need you


I don’t want to sleep

I should though

I don’t want to think about you

It’s getting better, I don’t have to think about you as much to sleep anymore


I’m just going with the flow

Isolation

My own personal island

Where I can raise the oceans around me and watch everyone dance at a distance

They can see me and they wave and I wave back but they can’t reach me

It’s like a jail

The only difference is that the bars are water

Deconstructing the failsafes of your personality seems almost impossible

How do you unlearn psychological necessities

How do you evaporate the oceans of fear and loneliness and fear and fear and fear

Social anxiety is my personal island