Unsettled

I woke up this morning feeling really unsettled.

I had a really weird dream about me and my fam testing out this space habitat in space… we were briefly in my neighborhood for some reason too… And it was in my old house and there were bugs – 3 beetles on hanson’s bed and 1 on my teeth when i went to go brush.

Then I woke up and I just feel really weird

Last night I felt the pang of loneliness again… and I know close friendships aren’t going to form overnight, but HOW WILL THEY FORM???!?!! I miss home so much. It’s been more than a year and it’s so hard to remember what home was like.

Why is there this deep sense of feeling lost everywhere I go, everything I do. I don’t know what to do. By all means I should want to stay here, but then there’s just a fucking feeling deep down telling me that I don’t want to be here.

And like logically that feeling of being lost would still be there if i was at a civilian college right? I just don’t fucking know what I want!!!! I feel so lost!!!!! ;c

I feel so lost. How do I get rid of this feeling? Why do I have it? Why do I want to leave when I’m doing fine? I mean the most tangible reason i can think of is that I don’t like being graded on things I don’t care about and that’s fucking true. I need to visit other colleges and figure out what it’s like… I got pretty much the same vibe from Purdue but that’s partially because it was just my brother and I and i was talking about it a lot. Besides being able to walk around in civvies all day… it would just be so nice to be able to focus on my studies and only my studies. If I went to MIT I wouldn’t have much downtime either… but… idk.

I think the main thing estranging me from this place is the lack of friends I have. Most people already have their own friend groups which is why this sucks at this time… doolie year really messed that up for me…. I think I’ll go to the lgbt movie next week. I should get out there.

And hence I try again

 

Still going to go to the PPC though. Scheduling for next week.

Advertisements

there’s something so sweet about childhood

I’m listening to a song that reminds me of Avatar right now

meaning ATLA

there’s just something so… nostalgic

like all that nostalgia, it’s such a strange feeling…

it brings me back to sitting around the lunch table in middle school and talking about Legend of Korra

it brings me back

man

I remember what it was like to get invested in that show…

the animation, the characters, the stories, the lessons

to be a kid…

to be a child…

so much nostalgia…

it was so easy back then

it was so so easy to skate by and not worry about anything that really mattered

like we had all the time in the world

we had it so easy and we took it all for granted

i’m tired of having to deal with things I don’t want to deal with

I’m tired of being homesick all the time and I don’t fucking understand why I’m homesick

it’s just the little fucking things you know

it’s the small things that I miss

like how we watched tv at night on the couch

i can’t cry now so I’ll think about it later


i’m back

so yeah… the little things

I just miss it you know

I miss having a family

I miss my family

I miss them a lot

keeping busy helps you avoid your problems I think

I’m going to schedule a ppc appointment this week. I will. I’m so tired of holding everything inside me and I just want to talk to someone. I mean yeah I can talk to tyler and my friends from back home, but it’s not quite the same as talking to someone in person


watching tv on the couch lol

I remember that

I just wanna go back…

I wanna go back to when I could go home and just relax and not have to worry about anything and when I could just be a kid and not have to worry about making my own food or worry about anything really because I was home and I was so comfortable and everything was so comfortable and I didn’t have to worry because I was home

I miss that you know

I know that you’re not supposed to get stuck in the past but I’m really trying okay I’m really trying to make this place feel like home

**went outside and looked over csprings**

I think I see why sequoia likes the buddhist meditation

relaxing really helps

i sometimes feel emotions bubbling up during meditation though which probably means I should go see a therapist or something

I think working out in the morning would be a good idea… especially since I have 1-2 off on M days. I think I’ll do that from now on. Would be good for me instead of sleeping. And get at least 6 hours and 30 minutes of sleep every night.

Mondays, Fridays: Up by 0625

Tuesdays: Up by 0610

Other weekdays: Up by 0710

Weekends: Just get 8 hours of sleep. Make sure you’re in bed by 0100 if you’re not sitting CQ.

Breakfast every day. I need to stock up on fruit so I never run out during the week. Also oatmeal, bars, cereal, and hardboiled eggs.

I feel like I need to look into the life of graduate students. because I know money is an issue during grad school, esp if you decide to get your phd. I’ll look into that…

I don’t think this is related to usafa. It’s just homesickness.

Looking out over Csprings though I think about the overwhelming amount of people out there who are living their own lives

I think about the families who are settling down for the night or eating dinner or coming home from a day in Denver or something like that. I think about the homeless druggies crashing on another couch or finding a bench to sleep on for the night. I think about the college students who are here for orientation and ready to start the next four years of their life. I feel all of it. I feel the pain that the teenage girl feels crying in her room and the hum of the television downstairs.

Andd…. we’re back to home. God what is it??? What will it take to make this place feel like home????? I think I’m going to leave. Ultimately, I don’t know if I will but I don’t know anything right now?!

I have to go. Good night.

flashbacks

it’s strange how i’m getting these random vivid flashbacks

like somehow my brain is trying to find an identity for myself in the past. like i feel lost now and i’m trying to find how I can find myself again. At least that’s what my theory is. I don’t know anything really.

It’s identifying routines. Like those things I did every day. Things that seem familiar. Or seemed familiar. Like how those comfy chairs in UCVTS felt. Like how riding to school and from school every day felt. It’s strange how I always felt relief coming home. Well, not strange, but… different. Like now do I have that anywhere?

Ah, homesickness, we meet again.

Like how I went to my “internship” in the UCT office and slept and ate a lot lol.

It’s strange. It’s so strange how different things are.

It’s disorienting how out-of-tune with reality I feel like I was back then. Was I? A little yeah. I mean I chose my college based on some farfetched dream and stats. I thought that I could like anything. Surprise.

And now we go into missing. I miss lounging on the couch at home and falling asleep on it. I remember my senior year a lot better than a bunch before that.

Ok so doolie year. Let’s reflect. Basic and first semester I was pretty secluded. I was scared and shy and still thought I wanted to be an astronaut. Second semester was when the homesickness hit. After coming back from winter break man… that was bad. That was really bad. I didn’t see any reason for me to stay here. Well, I did. I refound my passion to be an astronaut then… but then over some amount of time I realized I didn’t really want to do that again?

Nah, this is how it happened. I decided I wasn’t going to become an IP because time commitment. I slowly realized that I wasn’t that into planes or the pilot gung-ho mentality. I bonded with Caelan and Christina a lot out of necessity. Wreck happened. Spring break happened and I was out of it. Very out of it. H4H was a good experience of course. Should I have gone home instead? I don’t know yet. The people weren’t “my kind” of people, but now I’d be way more okay.

That’s one thing that I’m proud I’ve overcome a lot. Social anxiety. I’ve really gotten a lot better with it, and I’m very proud of that.

During H4H, I wasn’t thinking of transferring at all. I was fully into USAFA. I had declared a double major and everything. Then cyber applications went out and I decided not to apply. I think that’s really when it started. I lost a big part of my identity when I chose to not do that and it was pretty hard. Sometimes I wonder if I should really be an astro major. More on that later I guess…*

When did thinking of transferring start???? It was definitely triggered by cyber I think. I think the idea just slowly developed because I realized that I really liked learning and nerds aka like-minded people who also loved learning and it was hard to find that at USAFA. Basically.

Then finals ended and I hung out with Caelan a lot then we went to San Diego for robotics which was really cool and fun then I went home for 5 days. I know by then the idea of transferring was really in my head. I brought it up to my parents and everything. Those 5 days went by…

Anyway, then I came back, moved. Support and RPAs was cool. I had a little breakdown during support bc Caelan wasn’t hanging out with me and I was sad about not being able to find my people. Parents helped with that. RPAs were whatever. Then EST which I hated. My fire team was ok. I like Mariah a lot and Jackie a lot and they’re really nice people who I would totally hang out with. Then Law. Law hurt. I really like MJ though. Things with Ryan didn’t quite work out… He’s just so enthusiastic and he’s seriously too perfect. I’m not really into perfect people I guess.

And now the school year has started. I’m an upperclassman and it’s strange. It’s really strange.

I think I’d be okay with staying 3 more years. I really would be. There are a lot of things I love about this place, and there are some really dumb things, but I could put up with them for 3 more years. It does add up, yes, but I could deal with it.

I think the only reason I would leave is if I decide my career would be better off if I left. I’ve never wanted to be in the military at all. I didn’t even know what that meant when i came here. I had no clue. Now I’m here and I’m not really that into it. Yes I understand that the cause is important, but… I don’t really care that much. I just want to work with my people. I want to help kids find and explore their passions. that’s my passion.

And the only logical career path to do that now would be becoming a professor or teacher in a prestigious boarding school. I know that I want to work to help people.

Yes, having a career like my ECE teacher Lt Col Thomas would be really cool. Yes, I really like learning things and solving problems. And to be honest, his career path seems really awesome. Mostly research and learning. But idk

More later. kiddos came in and distracted me.

i don’t hate myself

i’m just a little sad

and i don’t rly wanna think about being sad anymore so idk

i seriously bombed my i seriously fucking 100% bombed my oral argument

and like it’s only 10% of my grade and i still have an A

but at most I got like an 80? idfk

sure 80 let’s go with that

let’s go with that

the final is still 30

i’ll get an a that’s not an issue

i need to caluclated this

i’m not perfect but i hate what just happened

I miss my mom and my dad and my friends and tyler and izzy and my dad who left and i miss my mom and my dad and my friends and daniel and tyler and i mis sthem so much i feel so scared

i just need to finish this paper and then I can sleep and

that was bad

it was really bad

hey the average of 100 and 80 is 90

so i guess there’s that

in all reality i probably got like an

i gotta do my hw

I never feel like I’m good enough

Why is that always a common theme when it comes to me?

It’s like I believe it… No I do believe it.

I’m not good enough

I’m not good enough

I’m not fucking good enough.

I’M NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH AND

And what? You never will be? You could be.

The thing is I could be good enough right now, but it’s just a matter of believing it.

Separating myself from relationships was a safety precaution. What Roman did really messed me up. I guess it’s okay. I drilled it into me. And I had it even before. No moves until you’re sure beyond a reasonable doubt. Yeah for real. I’ve never changed that.

Don’t think about it unless you’re sure.

routine

I miss the routine

I miss knowing my place in the world

I miss… well like I sort of know my place in the world right now but… I still miss it

I miss comfort, being comfortable. I miss my mom and my dad and my brother and going on vacations as a family

 

just cried a little

it’s ok i’m figuring things out

I felt lost for a lil while for some reason

maybe it was the fact that we’re moving again and I don’t like change

I just… didn’t know what to do

I don’t really know

I just like didn’t know what to do

I asked myself “What would make you happy right now? What do you want to do?” and I didn’t know.

I want to hang out with ryan but that’s scary

So many of my friendships arose from conflict but I don’t have time for conflict

Well… right now I sorta do… during summer… but I’m done with superficial dumbass drama.

Back to hanging out being scary… it’s scary because I want him to like me. But I’m not going to let fear rule over me anymore. Positive. Thinking. Lol he just needs to fucking text me and we need to hang out.

It would help if we had a mutual friend group… Andy’s pretty similar

I just fucking miss feeling like I have control over my life. I really don’t like change. Like having a level of unpredictability is good, but I don’t have a rock right now. I don’t have any safety people. Christina works for when I really need someone, but she hangs out with her own people… real bonding comes from shared troubles, shared problems. And yeah doolie year was a thing, but… it’s not really the things that happened to us that helped us bond, it’s the deeper meaning behind that. It’s what we gained from that experience. And I really related to what Ryan said about doolie year and his troubles.

Things will happen the way they’re meant to.


Predestination? Lol that’s funny. Not really, but it’s more like things will happen if they’re meant to happen. Don’t stress out too much about things because you can’t force things, you have to go with the flow. If it’s meant to happen then it will. I’m going to push my shit over to vandy now

unsettling

I feel a little unsettled. It’s like there’s a hole in my core. Like I’m missing something.

What am I missing???? The last time I fully felt fulfilled was in robotics. Robotics…

I mean we already went over this. I liked the mission. I liked having a sense of purpose. Like… a place in the world. I liked knowing who I was. What else Hanna? What else?

Well… the environment. The inclusive environment. God, it’s so hard to explain, but it was such a nice team environment. I still have to finish researching transfer schools. God, so much to do lol.

I guess it’s people? Environment?

Let’s backtrack a little. I really internalized what my parents said 2 days ago, and it’s been working. My happiness comes from within.

Well, remember Stonybrook? Why do I feel longing for that place now? The freedom, duh. It was really nice. I was a pretty bad intern lol, but it was nice I guess. She’s going to Brown, right? God.

Why??? Why do I still feel this longing to be somewhere else?

My happiness does come from within. I do feel a lot better not letting things affect me anymore.

Choice. I can choose to be happy. Yeah, it’s the attitude. Right now I’m going to choose to be happy. Well I have to finish transfer research first dammit. Sighs…

This place isn’t so bad, but before I start giving it my best shot, I have to finish that transfer research… and career research.

Do I enjoy research? I know I enjoy math and learning and… I just feel a little lost again.

I’m going to do some menial errands then continue transfer research. It’s like I feel an obligation to work out. I think that’s also part of it. Yeah I care about physical fitness, but it’s definitely not one of my life or career goals. I might transfer and go civilian. At first glance, that’s what fits my current goals the most.

Financial aid and scholarships are a pain, but ya know. The free medical care here is also pretty great…

I’ll do some research.

GOD I FEEL SO UNSETTLED. Maybe it’s the feeling of doing nothing. I’m not really used to that. Yeah that sounds like it. I feel really really really unsettled right now. But I still have a whole bunch of stuff to do??!


A couple hours later: I figured it out lol, I just needed to work out. Emptying your mind is pretty important. Plus I’m going to meditation later!

Happiness

The world is so big and its kinda scary how we’re all basically blundering through it with no certainty of where we’re actually going.

Yeahhh quarter life crisis

On the road back to usafa after a week of h4h… ~14 hr ride

We’re almost halfway there… It’s a bummer that spring break ends tomorrow but it’s aight. 1 month then summer. The AFT will be aight. I mean it’s just 12-13 minutes. My sickness is pretty much gone so gym every day until AFT. Time management n shit. Gotta manage that burnout.

Burnout is definitely a lot more prominent now. How did I do it in high school? Like now I’m not as okay with being alone. It’s really strange… I mean was I ever really alone in high school? Not really now that I think of it… Never for whole weekends. It’s weird thinking back and seeing how insignificant those moments were to me. How normal normal was. I know I’ll get over this homesickness, this feeling of being lost and alone, it’s just a matter of time.

I really hate being in my room alone. Well maybe not hate, but it’s just… Not preferable. Being alone I mean. I think it’s the lack of a routine. A routine meaning stability. I wrote something a lil before about having table legs. Back during hi.co lol

That was a while ago man. Thinking about that makes me happy for some reason. Happy I guess cause that’s not something I miss. Do I miss high school in general? No. What I miss is the stability. The sureness of who I am and my place in the world. People say your reason for staying at USAFA often isn’t the reason you came. That just means USAFA, and probably normal college to an extent, exposes you to a new environment that makes you question your self-identity… Since your motivations are a part of that self-identity. Since your motivations are formed from your experiences pre-college.

I don’t miss high school in gen but I do miss the ucvts environment. If high school (at least my high school) are some of the most formative years of your life, growing up in a diverse environment like UCVTS was really a great experience. I do miss that feeling of walking through the quad during lunch and seeing everyone hanging out and knowing who I was in that community. It is a bunch like civilian college I guess. That… freedom. Freedom of expression. I identified with my clothes, I identified with my friends, I identified with the things I did.

I’ve noticed that I’m not as sure about my clothes now. Now that I think about it that’s probably bc my self identity has changed/is in the process of changing. I’m more self conscious bc I’m not as sure about myself and what I’m wearing. Which at the core is bc I lack confidence in my self-identity. When I dedicated myself to robotics, I found an identity in the team. I didn’t need to justify what I wore anymore bc I felt comfortable in my own skin – and since clothes are an extension of our skin, I felt comfortable in my clothes. It all comes down to having a confident self-identity.

Same thing applies to my music taste rn.

As lame as it sounds, I really do just need to find my place here.

I know my goals. So I just need to builds up my life around that. The only thing holding me back from my goals is the fact that it’s hard and a lot of work. I’d be okay? with being a B student, with having a mediocre life… But on second thought I don’t know about that. Yeah I want to settle down but I think that was only because I craved stability. I craved those pillars of self identity.

I thought that my self identity would be able to carry over to USAFA. I didn’t realize that that self identity has to rest on external factors. And some of those external factors that existed at UCVTS don’t exist as prominently at USAFA.

That’s why it’s been a lil bit harder for me to adjust – USAFA’s a pretty un-asocial school tbh. Probably cause of all the extroverts. God, asocial nerds were so easy to interact with. I didn’t have to worry about being externally judged so much. Yes external appearance matters but I really don’t care enough to put makeup on. I really don’t like having more material possessions than I need.

I remember going to high school and having my pouch of my essentials and having physics first period and after that I’d go to the bathroom and put lotion on and eye drops in then go to my “internship.” I remember always being late to calc and just hiding out in the bathroom because I hated going to that class late. I remember getting subpar calc grades and being nervous about Dr J and tutoring. I remember hanging out in Ms Gerstein’s room because robotics. I remember how much I loved robotics and the team. I remember worlds lol.

Mom’s right, I need to update my wardrobe. I’ll do it during those 3 weeks of nothing. I really miss doing things with my fam. I never realized that I didn’t actually spend time alone, I just didn’t “hang out” officially with friends. No one can be comfortable being alone in their room for days without some form of confident self-identity.

During this trip too, I’ve been feeling so so so not myself. Obviously because I’m not even sure what my identity is anymore in the first place. I would never hang out with these ppl irl except for Gaby and Abby. Not my crowd. Going on the astro trip would’ve probably made me a lot happier.

So yeah that definitely contributed to the identity dysphoria.

– – –

I hate when what you wrote before doesn’t save..

I said something along the lines of I’m going to find my place and I’m going to find my group. What i had in 1257 is very rare to find and it is true that I wasted a lot of time on the team. CSOPS is a lot more low key though since I obv can’t do cyber anymore which sucks so much. Cyber could’ve been my new 1257 tbh I can see it… I could see myself as a cs major but… I can’t… Why not??? God. I’m so unsure about things.

I mean i came into here knowing what i wanted to do. I’m so unsure now.

I always related more to the programmers than the builders.