Was triggered today by something Philson did that was one of my kinks and obv I was initially turned on but then my mood gradually changed and I was triggered bc it reminded me that the last time I indulged in that kink so directly was with Adam and I haven’t looked into degradation as much since then and I was just triggered man it sucked
Update an hour later: wasn’t his fault tho I still like him a lot. Learned about attachment theory for psych today tho and yesss this is what interests meeeeeeeeeeee ~ my attachment type has definitely changed a lot in the past few years due to obv things but right now I’m avoidant-dissmissive with a hint of social anxiety that is hidden because of the avoidant-dismissive lol I’ll maybe go into it later… But I am working on it and I have improved a lot since last year although it is hard and it gives me anxiety but I’m trying okay little fucking steps fuck

I know I know I’m not trying to dream up problems that I have I’m not trying to see things where there are none I believe I am good at staying objective and I believe I do have these problems based on my past and present behavior. I do not want to have these problems and I have experienced what happens when the problems cause bigger problems

Anyway I really wanted to hold his hand 

I didn’t want to command our row during the K-bowl bc command voice gives me anxiety so I tried switching with roman but he said no but then he said it for me and idk it’s just something like that that I really appreciate. AND then he tried getting me to say it for one which was rly good bc that’s just…good bc like he’s trying to get me to step outta my comfort zone and confront my fears ya dig but ya anyway Anarumo said it anyway but that was like rly good and I really really appreciated that

God like I just want to like be around him