update number 1920482194

Life’s good

For the first time in a long time I was up last night thinking about things

Being alone really makes me crazy, I’ve realized that

I mean, you saw how insane I went last summer xD

But yeah, I really just need to learn squad names then Wing names so I can stop being afraid of shit

I’ll do that tonight since I have time

I really love this blog because even though I have a lotta shit going on in my life, it helps me keep perspective and take a step back and take a breath and remember that I’m here for me and that no matter what I’ll always love myself

Whooo self love

But yeah so basically… boys… who would’ve guessed amirite

It’s been three weeks since the Philson incident (as I’m calling it even tho it probably won’t stick) and I am going semi-crazy because of how little communication there is between us which is obviously partially my fault but also partially not my fault because if he really wants me then he should really try harder

I’m n o t going to play into manipulation games goddddddddd


It’s the next day and I had a hard time sleeping last night. I need to stop messing up my sleep schedule. Anyway I’m okay I’m not terribly tired, and I haven’t fainted thank the fucking lord. I need to go down to the clinic to get contacts… I’ll check my schedule and see if I have time. I am experiencing a little bit of burnout unfortunately.

Philson is cute, but as usual, heat of the moment. Mom helped me take a step back and see things from a different perspective. What’s most important to me? Success. My goals. I can do that by using my strengths and by working on my weaknesses, which is basically only human connection.

When it comes to relationships, at the end of the day, if it’s really meant to be then it’ll happen. I hate subscribing to the “fate” mantra, but anything to get straight right? For real though, I am a very very strong believer of the power of the individual. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. You can change yourself if you put your mind to it. If you have to lie to yourself, then sure do that. Now I just have to actively apply that mentality to social interactions.

Okok, so what am I gonna do about the boys? Basically I’m not going to pursue anything. Why? Because in the long run, physical shit doesn’t matter, and in the long run, this relationship most likely won’t last. And if it’s meant to happen then it’ll happen. Like most social and relationship shit I just need to go with the flow and go with what my feelings tell me not what my brain tells me. What’re my feelings telling me rn? That I’m not really interested unless he shows more interest.

It’s really annoying that I wasted my time on this and it went nowhere which is partly my fault but tbh at least 60% his fault. If he doesn’t like me enough to man up and take initiative with me then sorry man nothing’s going to happen. I don’t have time to chase after you and I’m sure as hell not going to take any fucking bait.

I have control over myself and I have control over my feelings and my thoughts. No one and nothing else has the right or the ability to do that.

I really did get carried away by the ddlg undertones (which is why I FUCKING HATE my period and hormones) and I really really really really hope bc fixes that. I’m so done with these fucking periods of HORNY then NOT HORNY then HORNY then FUCK I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH WHY THE FUCK DID I GIVE IN. I don’t usually subscribe to sinning-atonement?(idfk religion) ideas, but they do have some good points. I know when I’m doing something bad because I can feel it.

Hmm…Everything in moderation… does that include sex though? I… I need to think about that. Damn.

Balance.

Balance.

I have a tendency to block people out when going through emotional crises. It’s an unfortunate habit because I isolate myself from everyone just because I don’t want to deal with the extra unpredictability.

The thing is with that unpredictability, as I already fucking know, I control my thoughts and feelings. I shouldn’t care so much that a social interaction goes badly and besides that’s SUBJECTIVE. No one else cares that much. We’re just fucking talking for Christ’s sake. Okay. Positive attitude positive vibe.

The thing is, I feel like if I go back to the social group and reaching out to kiddos, I’m going to start flirting with Philson again. He really got to me man, I was really letting him affect me that was bad. Okay no more then. I just need to be myself I am just going to be myself.

Another thing I feel is that if I let myself be social, I also open up the gates to my emotional side and along with that comes other feelings that aren’t as easy to control. Pandora’s box is a good analogy. Well no actually pandora’s box but reversed. All these good things come out, but then there’s that one bad thing. Should I even call it love? I don’t feel like I know what love is. I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE ISSSSSSSSSSSS I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEEEEEE

Okok

There’s always that underlying craving for extreme emotion, you know what I mean? Like god wouldn’t it feel deeply indulgent to just go on a self-destructive path again? Yes, but it would also tear me apart and fuck me up, and unfortunately I am not not not not not not not notn otnot notnotnototnonot going to make that mistake again. Meaning no I’m not, idfc how many nots I wrote. God, temptation is so so so strong. It’s so fucking attractive, you know?

Ah romantacization of self-destruction

So I just did a little more reflecting on my past mistakes

I’m trying to remember how I really felt about Jason.

Love…

I’ll come back to this question later*

Let’s talk about flaws first of all. So when you’re in love you tend to not see flaws in people right? Well I already overlook people’s flaws so… Admiration though….

In the beginning, Jason was attractive to me. He still is – and it was that combination of perceived perfection and mysteriousness that drew me to him (not enough though apparently). Plus bad communication.

God I thought I analyzed my mistakes enough, but I guess I have to do this again.

mistakes:

  • Not communicating
    • Being scared
    • Making excuses like “it’s not the right time” or “i’ll do it later because of this”
      • Not taking my own advice of “just do it” and “there’s no perfect or ideal time to do anything, you just have to do it or it’ll never happen”
    • Waiting too long
      • Not going with the flow
      • Not following my gut
        • My whole gut was telling me to talk to him, that there was something wrong with not talking to him, but I followed my brain instead of my gut/heart and rationalized that I would wait a week… a week too long
        • Denying that I loved him because I was “aromantic” even though I was presented with quite contrary evidence

things I learned:

  • Closure is really important
    • Emotions are irrational and unpredictable without prior experience and closure is good insurance
  • Don’t make the above mistakes

Do I like him?

GOd

I hate it when you confuse yourself

Remember what happened last year?

I didn’t know if he liked me and I kept dancing around it and avoiding him because I was scared and couldn’t just straight up communicate and fucking ask.

Let’s go at it this way:

Worst case scenario of #1: He doesn’t like me and it’s awkward for a little but then it’s ok after a little

Best case scenario of #1: He does like me and some tension is relieved and a dialogue is opened as to how to proceed

Worst case scenario of #2: Neglecting my feelings leads to them coming back to bite me in the ass later on and me having many regrets and feelings because of missed opportunities. Destroyed social reputation in squad.

Best case scenario of #2: Stopping unnecessary thinking and unimportant feelings is successful and I successfully eliminate all overly romantic/sexual feelings towards Philson while cultivating good relationships within squad… HIGHLY UNLIKELY WITHOUT CLOSURE

So I can do several things right now:

  1. Talk to him and state the following:
    • Things have happened between us that honestly confuse me and I really hate uncertainty so I’m going to ask two questions and I want him to be straight up with me.
    • And ask the following:
      • Does he like me (in a more than friends way) or not?
      • Does he want this to actually become something or does he just want to fuck?
    • Mixed signals
    • If yes, to both, ok cool. You should probably text me and at least attempt to fucking talk to me.
    • If no to first, ok cool. So why did he make the first move and lead me on?
    • If just fuck to second, ok cool. I don’t think a fwb situation would be the best idea especially since we’re in squad together.
    • If nothing at all to second, ok cool. So why did he make the first move and lead me on?
    • If you want anything, just fucking talk to me thanks
  2. Not talk to him and put romantic/sexual feelings aside while still being social
    • Knowing me, this would be the harder route because of the dual nature of my emotions.
      • If you let one out, you let the rest out.

I think I like him

I can’t escape my emotions, I can’t escape my feelings, they are a part of me and I need to keep things in balance in order to have a healthy relationship with myself and with others.

Just remember the following:

  • Everything in moderation
  • Go with the flow
    • Take it easy
    • Don’t force things
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