new things

ok so I have some time before I do more homework

I talked to my therapist today (first therapy appt ever hu-ah) and she helped me realize that the main reason i’m having so much anxiety over this is that that for basically the first time, I find myself relatively lacking in a pretty important aspect of what I need to achieve my goals

Social skills and social anxiety have always been one of my biggest weaknesses, but I’ve always been able to compensate in some way by making up for in other things or just plain faking it

But now, with the fucking military, apparently a significant factor that they consider when making leadership and rank decisions is how fucking social, likable, charismatic, characteristic you are. This shit fucking annoys the fuck out of me because I completely disagree. Like sure, social skills are pretty important, but ability and potential and intelligence is also probably equally as important, right?

It’s immensely frustrating because SOCIAL SKILLS ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY MAJOR PLACE I HAVE TROUBLE IN. Physically, a little, but that’s not as important for leadership decisions. Not basic social skills, but just social anxiety and not overthinking social interactions and just not having fucking anxiety, ya dig? Like it was easier to not care in high school because it was easier to think that no one else really cared or judged if you made a mistake, especially in the high school I went to and the socially awkward environment of that. But then here, I feel like everyone is watching your every mistake and judging every single word that comes out of your mouth and scrutinizing your every action and mess-up. i fucking hate being a doolie. I just want to fucking be recognized so I don’t have to be scared of fucking walking in my own fucking hallway.

I fucking hate greeting I fucking hate how I’m too scared to go to my fucking room. I think fear is a form of anxiety right? This shit fucking annoys the fuck out of me. Just fucking eight more fucking months. Just fucking two more months before I can fucking run. I’m going to fucking run goddammit. I am going to fucking get my ass ready for shit and stay on top of shit.

Okay.

This helped. I’m going to finish some work then sleep at 0000. 🙂

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