Note: lol more self-important emo poetry
Love with a capital L
What’s in a four letter word?
Oceans of tears and miles of pain
Canyons of happiness and happiness and happiness and
I’ve never won a spelling bee but no matter how many times I spell these two words I can never get them quite as I want them
I’m seventeen. How can I know anything about what the big L word is?
As a graduating high school senior, the vast, shrouded expanse of my future is laid out before me and christ am I scared.
On the edge before we plunge into the real world into the unknown, wild jungle of the real world
In fifteen years I will likely be married.
In fifteen years I will be grown. I will be mature. I will know what I’m doing with my life.
Fifteen years seems like a lifetime because it’s almost how old I am.
I remember being fifteen. Thinking I knew it all. Thinking I had it all figured out. Getting stuck in those fucking self destructive cycles. Being a general mess.
Tom had a suicidal episode on my sixteenth birthday.
Now Tom doesn’t talk to me.
The tide of our lives ebb and flow.
I’ve had one kiss in my entire life. It was with the wrong guy, but I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I gave it all to the wrong guy.
They say you never really know how much something truly matters until it’s gone. (@Hamlet I relate) I’ll never make that mistake again. I’ll never take someone for granted. I’ll never take myself for granted.
I ruined my life because I was busy worrying about other people’s problems. I was busy fixing everyone else’s problems but failed to see my own. I made the mistake of thinking I was an exception. That the rules of the human affliction didn’t apply to me. Well, guess what Hanna; surprise, they do.
I will never make that mistake again. I failed to see the preciousness of love. I failed to see that I had something special. I will never make that mistake again.
But back to the main question. How can I know what Love is? How can I know its unspeakable destructive and nurturing power? How it leaves you crying for no reason in the worst places. How the back of a stranger’s head can make you double-take. How it hits you all of a sudden and you realize how fucking stupid you were and it becomes all you can think about and all you feel is pain and sadness?
What about the feeling of their hand around your waist? Them falling asleep on your shoulder…. Their hand in yours? Once. I only experienced these things once. The feeling of love is so overwhelming and happy and just happy and happy and happy and fuck. It’s like everything just falls into place. Everything is so perfect.
If that’s not it, then I guess I don’t know what Love is. (lol cue “I wanna know what Love is”)
I thought that Jason was the perfect guy back then. I can’t believe I didn’t see that I loved him. I was so blind and I was so scared to open myself up and so fucking young and dumb that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. God.
Okay, to be fair, I didn’t really think a relationship with him would be a viable option, I just thought he was attractive and shit, but as I’ve learned from this whole fiasco, don’t place restrictions on yourself. Live as Jason Wong lives: “Go with the flow.” Follow the Dao lol.
I know, I’m okay now. It really helps that I’m a high school senior because I won’t encounter him anymore, and I’m actually leaving this place. I don’t have to deal with it anymore lol. The fact that I’m going to AFA, which is a 23% female environment, and first going through BCT (aka hell).
High school… was interesting. To be honest, it was a mess. Do I regret things? Yes, to be honest, yes I do. So would it be okay to just move on without forgiving myself because like I can just move on. Actually no. Here and now. I’m going to forgive myself.
Hey Hanna, all the time you wasted… I forgive you. All the time you spent being scared… I forgive you (and that’s really understandable, I mean I am you so I know lol). All the time you wasted trying to be something that you weren’t… I…. I forgive you. I forgive you for not knowing who you were and going against what your instincts. I forgive you for not knowing what you had when you had it. You were young. You were very young. It was your first time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful, amazing human being whose future is bright and big and full of opportunities and experiences and life. You will grow up to be a beautiful, unique person who knows what it is to love and to be loved.
The average woman is heartbroken twice and has five relationships before getting married. You have a whole world of love out there for you Hanna. You have a whole lifetime to love and be loved and to lose and give love. You will find it. Trust me, you will.
(And if you don’t trust me, trust the numbers c:)
End note: lol this started out as a poem but obviously I’m horrible at writing poetry so I just resorted to the copyrighted Hanna rambling essay xD
End end note: Nah, it’s just that I’m not as emotional now.