everything

I’m back home

I’m back home

I’m back home

I’m back home

I’m back home

I see him again

Stuff happens again

I don’t stop stuff from happening

I don’t stop it from happening

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate

I’m desperate to feel

I’m desperate

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

feel

something good

to feel loved

to feel like I matter to someone

feel

why is it so hard


I’ m tired of telling myself that he doesn’t like me

Stop. living. in. your. head.

I hate how I was raised

I hate that I’m like this.


A list of things that I haven’t been diagnosed with

  • Social anxiety disorder
  • Avoidant personality disorder

I. Don’t. need. anyone.

I don’t need anyon

I don’t need anyone

I don’t need anyone

I don’t need anyone

I don’t neeed anyone

I don’t need anyone

I don’t need anyone

I- fuck fuck fuck do i need someone?

NO. No, no, no, noononononono

good bye.

I don’t need anyone, I want someone. I don’t want anyone. I don’t I don’

no fr I rly don’t lol I’m too picky for that,


WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS A TYPE

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

FUCK THAT SHIT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK THAT FUCK. THAT. FUCK THAT SHIT I WANT TO FUCKING MURDER IT SO MUCH UNTIL I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING THROUGH THE BLOOD COVERING MY FUCKING FACE


I have problems.

i have problems that I need to figure out.

I need to learn how to drive then get a civilian therapist in the Springs.

I need to fix my problems.

I wasn’t raised securely. I experienced things early on that made a major effect on my personality. I have problems. I’m going to fix them.


Normal.

What is that? Normal???? What?

I am sad. It’s less about him then about how unreciprocation makes me feel. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel sad. It makes me despise myself.

My whole life I’ve been incapable of faking it

I don’t have daddy issues

I have issues with validation and self-worth

I have issues with feeling cared about

[that was beautiful i should make that a poem]


the daddy poem

people used to ask me if I had daddy problems because of my kink

I don’t have daddy issues

“Mom, I’m feeling sad because of this”

“You shouldn’t have done that then. It’s all your fault. You’re wasting your time with trivial emotional stuff. Why don’t you spend your time on things that actually matter?”

What are things that matter?

School, work, school, work, school, work, school, work, school, I hate my life

No you don’t. You don’t need anyone. Remember what I said before? Stop being emotional.

Myself.

That’s all i have.

I’ve taught myself to live with myself, but we’re creatures of habit, right? Other people are so unfamiliar. How can i let them in?

I don’t have daddy issues.

I have attachment issues

I have avoidant issues

I have self-identity issues

I have insecurity issues


military brats

you learned to rely on those around you

I learned to rely on no one

you learned to rely on your family

I learned to rely on myself

My whole life I’ve been alone

my whole life all i’ve had is myself

My whole life the only support I’ve had is myself

My whole life I’ve been an outsider staring in

My self-image is so fragile that i’m terrified of other people


You

you’re really pretty you know I’ve never really told you that

You’re really really pretty

Like another guy

And this is not going to happen again

I don’t need you


I don’t want to sleep

I should though

I don’t want to think about you

It’s getting better, I don’t have to think about you as much to sleep anymore


I’m just going with the flow

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Isolation

My own personal island

Where I can raise the oceans around me and watch everyone dance at a distance

They can see me and they wave and I wave back but they can’t reach me

It’s like a jail

The only difference is that the bars are water

Deconstructing the failsafes of your personality seems almost impossible

How do you unlearn psychological necessities

How do you evaporate the oceans of fear and loneliness and fear and fear and fear

Social anxiety is my personal island

I’m so sad

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him

I can’t believe I let myself fall I’m such a bitch I’m so fucking dumb I hate myseld I hate myself please love me please please just love me dammit

I couldn’t fucking sleep unless I imagined he was with me I couldn’t fucking sleep why the fuck couldn’t I sleep why did I let myself do that why why why

I thought my problems would be solved after I came for the first time in five months but no it didn’t help it really didn’t it made it so much worse I’m so sad I’m so sad there’s no aftercare there’s no love there’s no meaning it’s so empty and after it’s done you feel sick and sad and so so sad and alone and you cry and cry and cry and cry and I was so sad I am so sad

Why I am I so fucking fragile why do I let things affect me to the core why am I like this why why why mom why I hate myself I wanna die 

Sad

I’m sad I’m sad I’m sad I’m sad I’m sad I’m so so so so so so so sad I miss him I hate myself I hate myself for torturing myself like this I’m sad I’m sad I’m sad I’m sad sad sad sad sad