Triggered

Was triggered today by something Philson did that was one of my kinks and obv I was initially turned on but then my mood gradually changed and I was triggered bc it reminded me that the last time I indulged in that kink so directly was with Adam and I haven’t looked into degradation as much since then and I was just triggered man it sucked
Update an hour later: wasn’t his fault tho I still like him a lot. Learned about attachment theory for psych today tho and yesss this is what interests meeeeeeeeeeee ~ my attachment type has definitely changed a lot in the past few years due to obv things but right now I’m avoidant-dissmissive with a hint of social anxiety that is hidden because of the avoidant-dismissive lol I’ll maybe go into it later… But I am working on it and I have improved a lot since last year although it is hard and it gives me anxiety but I’m trying okay little fucking steps fuck

I know I know I’m not trying to dream up problems that I have I’m not trying to see things where there are none I believe I am good at staying objective and I believe I do have these problems based on my past and present behavior. I do not want to have these problems and I have experienced what happens when the problems cause bigger problems

Anyway I really wanted to hold his hand 

I didn’t want to command our row during the K-bowl bc command voice gives me anxiety so I tried switching with roman but he said no but then he said it for me and idk it’s just something like that that I really appreciate. AND then he tried getting me to say it for one which was rly good bc that’s just…good bc like he’s trying to get me to step outta my comfort zone and confront my fears ya dig but ya anyway Anarumo said it anyway but that was like rly good and I really really appreciated that

God like I just want to like be around him

Advertisements

self love

I love me but I don’t understand how anyone else could love me unconditionally


preoperational stage ig

tonight’s a listen to sad lyrical love songs night

the pain is so delicious though

I am complete helloooooo

i’m sorry for how uncreative my titles are

okk fine i’ll make them more descriptive

okok so

idk I like him a lot like he’s cute n shit n i like him and he actually finally went to my room even tho I actually did not expect that and i’m like final-fucking-ly lol but since I wasn’t planning for that my room was a mess but also we talked and also i told him the thing thing

wow how fucking descriptive right

fucking kill me

no fr but saturday was nice we keep doing more every week but jesus i fucking HATE the culture of yup you need to date someone you need to like it’s a necessary thing and you should always be looking for someone else to FILL THE HOLE INSIDE YOU

like no bitch I don’t fucking need someone else to fill something inside of me, I don’t have some empty void that needs to be filled if I want you then it’s going to be because you would add on to me, you wouldn’t fucking complete me because I a m a l r e a d y c o m p l e t e

I don’t really know what else to write

the thing thing was him asking what was the worst thing I’ve done and i mean you already knowwwwww what that was

I think I asked him what his fam is like or maybe he asked me I think I asked him idfk i’m a fucking bitch amirite

Ok no it went good good lol good well xD

I hate how you never know if kids are fucking playing you and I’m so scared of being burned

I DON’T THINK HE’S PLAYING ME

LIKE TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS RIGHT? TRUST YOUR GUT. I DIDN’T BEFORE BUT WHAT ABOUT NOW?

What’s the worst that could happen if he’s playing me?

I don’t fuckingg think he’s fucking playing me

But what if he is

I………

Ok the worst that could happen… we do things then I get attached and I start thinking that we’re a thing except we’re not because he don’t want me like that and he rejects me and I fucking cry and cry and cry

except no

except this time… this time…… this time it won’t be so bad


Like I feel like I love him but maybe I just want to fuck him and it’s so hard to separate the two


Like we’re moving slow so far and I guess that’s good but also bad but also good… but also bad lol


This time I’ll let myself fall?

This time will I let myself fall?

Will I just let go and live and love and not give a fuck if it’ll hurt more later on?

Will it be worth it?

Remember the promise you made to yourself Hanna.

I will never take another person for granted again I will never throw away love and run away because a moment of happiness is worth a couple more moments of pain because it was the journey that was worth it it was the fucking journey and who gives a fuck if you’ll cry your fucking eyes out later and you’ll be a fucking mess later because every time you get your heart broken it hurts a little less amirite?

lol

no fr

finding someone who you actually the same way they like you is so hard, it’s so fucking rare despite the fact that there are more than seven million of us.

Don’t fucking throw that away

Fear of falling… Remember Jason Hanna? Do you remember? Take a moment.

yeah I guess I remember

I remember being sad all the time

I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor

I remember the pain

I remember crying in the playground in winter

do you?

I know you tend to forget about bad past things, but there’s a reason you told yourself you would never do that again.

You’re right.

 

I’ll let myself fall then.

 

(Go with the flow amirite)

update number 1920482194

Life’s good

For the first time in a long time I was up last night thinking about things

Being alone really makes me crazy, I’ve realized that

I mean, you saw how insane I went last summer xD

But yeah, I really just need to learn squad names then Wing names so I can stop being afraid of shit

I’ll do that tonight since I have time

I really love this blog because even though I have a lotta shit going on in my life, it helps me keep perspective and take a step back and take a breath and remember that I’m here for me and that no matter what I’ll always love myself

Whooo self love

But yeah so basically… boys… who would’ve guessed amirite

It’s been three weeks since the Philson incident (as I’m calling it even tho it probably won’t stick) and I am going semi-crazy because of how little communication there is between us which is obviously partially my fault but also partially not my fault because if he really wants me then he should really try harder

I’m n o t going to play into manipulation games goddddddddd


It’s the next day and I had a hard time sleeping last night. I need to stop messing up my sleep schedule. Anyway I’m okay I’m not terribly tired, and I haven’t fainted thank the fucking lord. I need to go down to the clinic to get contacts… I’ll check my schedule and see if I have time. I am experiencing a little bit of burnout unfortunately.

Philson is cute, but as usual, heat of the moment. Mom helped me take a step back and see things from a different perspective. What’s most important to me? Success. My goals. I can do that by using my strengths and by working on my weaknesses, which is basically only human connection.

When it comes to relationships, at the end of the day, if it’s really meant to be then it’ll happen. I hate subscribing to the “fate” mantra, but anything to get straight right? For real though, I am a very very strong believer of the power of the individual. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. You can change yourself if you put your mind to it. If you have to lie to yourself, then sure do that. Now I just have to actively apply that mentality to social interactions.

Okok, so what am I gonna do about the boys? Basically I’m not going to pursue anything. Why? Because in the long run, physical shit doesn’t matter, and in the long run, this relationship most likely won’t last. And if it’s meant to happen then it’ll happen. Like most social and relationship shit I just need to go with the flow and go with what my feelings tell me not what my brain tells me. What’re my feelings telling me rn? That I’m not really interested unless he shows more interest.

It’s really annoying that I wasted my time on this and it went nowhere which is partly my fault but tbh at least 60% his fault. If he doesn’t like me enough to man up and take initiative with me then sorry man nothing’s going to happen. I don’t have time to chase after you and I’m sure as hell not going to take any fucking bait.

I have control over myself and I have control over my feelings and my thoughts. No one and nothing else has the right or the ability to do that.

I really did get carried away by the ddlg undertones (which is why I FUCKING HATE my period and hormones) and I really really really really hope bc fixes that. I’m so done with these fucking periods of HORNY then NOT HORNY then HORNY then FUCK I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH WHY THE FUCK DID I GIVE IN. I don’t usually subscribe to sinning-atonement?(idfk religion) ideas, but they do have some good points. I know when I’m doing something bad because I can feel it.

Hmm…Everything in moderation… does that include sex though? I… I need to think about that. Damn.

Balance.

Balance.

I have a tendency to block people out when going through emotional crises. It’s an unfortunate habit because I isolate myself from everyone just because I don’t want to deal with the extra unpredictability.

The thing is with that unpredictability, as I already fucking know, I control my thoughts and feelings. I shouldn’t care so much that a social interaction goes badly and besides that’s SUBJECTIVE. No one else cares that much. We’re just fucking talking for Christ’s sake. Okay. Positive attitude positive vibe.

The thing is, I feel like if I go back to the social group and reaching out to kiddos, I’m going to start flirting with Philson again. He really got to me man, I was really letting him affect me that was bad. Okay no more then. I just need to be myself I am just going to be myself.

Another thing I feel is that if I let myself be social, I also open up the gates to my emotional side and along with that comes other feelings that aren’t as easy to control. Pandora’s box is a good analogy. Well no actually pandora’s box but reversed. All these good things come out, but then there’s that one bad thing. Should I even call it love? I don’t feel like I know what love is. I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE ISSSSSSSSSSSS I WANT YOU TO SHOW MEEEEEEE

Okok

There’s always that underlying craving for extreme emotion, you know what I mean? Like god wouldn’t it feel deeply indulgent to just go on a self-destructive path again? Yes, but it would also tear me apart and fuck me up, and unfortunately I am not not not not not not not notn otnot notnotnototnonot going to make that mistake again. Meaning no I’m not, idfc how many nots I wrote. God, temptation is so so so strong. It’s so fucking attractive, you know?

Ah romantacization of self-destruction

So I just did a little more reflecting on my past mistakes

I’m trying to remember how I really felt about Jason.

Love…

I’ll come back to this question later*

Let’s talk about flaws first of all. So when you’re in love you tend to not see flaws in people right? Well I already overlook people’s flaws so… Admiration though….

In the beginning, Jason was attractive to me. He still is – and it was that combination of perceived perfection and mysteriousness that drew me to him (not enough though apparently). Plus bad communication.

God I thought I analyzed my mistakes enough, but I guess I have to do this again.

mistakes:

  • Not communicating
    • Being scared
    • Making excuses like “it’s not the right time” or “i’ll do it later because of this”
      • Not taking my own advice of “just do it” and “there’s no perfect or ideal time to do anything, you just have to do it or it’ll never happen”
    • Waiting too long
      • Not going with the flow
      • Not following my gut
        • My whole gut was telling me to talk to him, that there was something wrong with not talking to him, but I followed my brain instead of my gut/heart and rationalized that I would wait a week… a week too long
        • Denying that I loved him because I was “aromantic” even though I was presented with quite contrary evidence

things I learned:

  • Closure is really important
    • Emotions are irrational and unpredictable without prior experience and closure is good insurance
  • Don’t make the above mistakes

Do I like him?

GOd

I hate it when you confuse yourself

Remember what happened last year?

I didn’t know if he liked me and I kept dancing around it and avoiding him because I was scared and couldn’t just straight up communicate and fucking ask.

Let’s go at it this way:

Worst case scenario of #1: He doesn’t like me and it’s awkward for a little but then it’s ok after a little

Best case scenario of #1: He does like me and some tension is relieved and a dialogue is opened as to how to proceed

Worst case scenario of #2: Neglecting my feelings leads to them coming back to bite me in the ass later on and me having many regrets and feelings because of missed opportunities. Destroyed social reputation in squad.

Best case scenario of #2: Stopping unnecessary thinking and unimportant feelings is successful and I successfully eliminate all overly romantic/sexual feelings towards Philson while cultivating good relationships within squad… HIGHLY UNLIKELY WITHOUT CLOSURE

So I can do several things right now:

  1. Talk to him and state the following:
    • Things have happened between us that honestly confuse me and I really hate uncertainty so I’m going to ask two questions and I want him to be straight up with me.
    • And ask the following:
      • Does he like me (in a more than friends way) or not?
      • Does he want this to actually become something or does he just want to fuck?
    • Mixed signals
    • If yes, to both, ok cool. You should probably text me and at least attempt to fucking talk to me.
    • If no to first, ok cool. So why did he make the first move and lead me on?
    • If just fuck to second, ok cool. I don’t think a fwb situation would be the best idea especially since we’re in squad together.
    • If nothing at all to second, ok cool. So why did he make the first move and lead me on?
    • If you want anything, just fucking talk to me thanks
  2. Not talk to him and put romantic/sexual feelings aside while still being social
    • Knowing me, this would be the harder route because of the dual nature of my emotions.
      • If you let one out, you let the rest out.

I think I like him

I can’t escape my emotions, I can’t escape my feelings, they are a part of me and I need to keep things in balance in order to have a healthy relationship with myself and with others.

Just remember the following:

  • Everything in moderation
  • Go with the flow
    • Take it easy
    • Don’t force things

tiempo amigos

so I have some time rn (even tho I really don’t) and I thought I’d write out some things that have been bothering me from my past

So Adam
Yes i still have a lot of pent up anger at this boy. I still hate what I did and I still hate what I let him do and I hate him for doing what he did. Let’s list this shit out just because it helps with processing shit

  • He abused his position and power as a dom
    • This was extremely emotionally scarring for me because I placed my trust in him and he took advantage of that
    • Yes I realize that it seemed like I was giving consent, and it is very much partly my fault that I even let it get that fucking far
      • It is very much my fault. That was the worst thing I have ever done to myself and looking back at it, I am honestly shocked that I apparently hated myself that much.
      • I was that self destructive. I felt that I was so undeserving of love that I downright punished myself for even feeling that I could have love???
      • Ugh

I just have so many unresolved fucking feelings regarding this and I hate how it haunts me.

I could’ve just stopped it, I should’ve just stopped it. I knew how I fucking felt. I let him take fucking control of me and I put so much fucking shit into him and fuck

There was so much wrong with me

I will never ever ever ever let someone do that to me again… including myself

God

I just

GOd

How the fuck did it fucking get to that point

I can’t fucking believe that shit seriously that shit is fucking triggering now

I was that desperate for a dom?

I fucking ruined one of the only good things I had in my life. I gave it up for something so ugly and something so horrible.

I just… I couldn’t fucking take it anymore

I remember when I cut it off with both of them. I remember feeling so relieved and so confused and just so fucking done and done and done with all the shit that went on. This fucking boy used to give me nightmares only now am I realizing how deeply I let him get to me. He broke me so bad he fucking ruined me, and obviously that crack came to the surface a few months later and it’s still healing but goddamn it still hurts

I fucking hate what I did

I fucking hate what I fucking did

Like obviously I’ve been over this before, but it helps to write shit out and god fucking shit I hate what I did and what I let fucking happen.

It’s a damn miracle that I got into this fucking school

This was my dream and I am so fucking happy that they saw some sliver of potential in me to be something and that they fucking accepted me and I’m so fucking happy that it all worked out in the end

Basic was nothing compared to those months… those long fucking months…

goddamn

Being an emotional sink for everyone fucked me up hard especially when I pretended like I was alright when I wasn’t fucking alright and I was dying inside so much

I was also so extra lol

Bright side, it helped me get over my dumbass relationship fear because now I’m so fucking desperate for human connection that it’s worth it

well rejection isn’t worth it bc u know my policy but even if the relationship will eventually end and hurt, it’ll still be worth it to have that comfort and that connection and that relationship and god I just want to be loved lol

hahahahha

dammit

I just

I crave love so deeply and… why?

I need to think about that. Was it something that was always present?

Yes I think so. Since Deion pulled that number on me, which is entirely not his fault – we were kids – even though it still affected my mentality and the fundamental way I think just because I was so young – I’ve been terrified of rejection… which is fine. But I craved love, so much back then. Especially being a middle child and being raised relatively harshly. Sure, I’m stronger and more independent and… better lol, and imo being raised the way I was is totally justified, it was just a buncha shit outside factors that made my problems as bad as they are now, because I really like how I turned out. SOrry for the confusing af sentences lol (not).

But with everything, I still have problems just like everyone else.

It’s really bad that I’m flirting with a lotta kiddos. I really like Philson I should really talk to him. lol wth

No Hanna. No, you’re not going to lead boys on. I fucking love flirting I fucking adore it lol

It’s so fucking damn fun but NO IT’S BAD HANNA STOP

Idk why Philson is showing sm interest in me lately. Well, at least from this weekend. I’m realizing how little time I have for a relationship now. I should really not let this go. I feel like I’ve been showing barely enough reciprocation. We really just need some alone time, but that’s so hard to come by…

So make alone time… hmm….. shit dude I really do like him but it’s so hard to fucking find time especially with my fucking goals. Shitttttttttttttttttttttt

I like myself

Ok reflection on fucking Saturday. That shit was fucking nice lol hahahaha I was having such a crisis xDDDDDDD. SHit though man like I reallllyyyyyy liked that HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It was nice, nuff said

What happened?
Basically cuddling. It was really really really nice I really liked it and I’m reallyyyyy counting on Friday/Saturday to come around so it can happen again lol fml lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

okay

I am currently a huge fan of cuddling I need a lot of it in my life oooooo what is this caused by *waggles eyebrows*

We really need to talk about what this is tho lol but I mean we have time we have time we have time I just need to keep the connection there he’s really cute just go with the flow

Go with the flow.

crushes

lol

idk i like him an above average amount

lol

really have to stay grounded and just go with the flow though

don’t over think it hanna just go with the flow

don’t let past heart aches go to waste

learn from your mistakes

 

 

tbh we could all learn a thing or two from jwong

follow the dao

jenny gao?

lol jk

i definitely have a type

and by type i mean guys whose type is me

bc ya know my policy