daddy

so by my standards I still haven’t had my first kiss. that other one didn’t count. and it’s really really really fucking late hanna like you’re in college now cmon people will fucking expect you to have fucking had your first kiss lol. meanwhile kiddos are kissing in like fucking sixth grade like welp okay then…

I mean I’m only fucking 17 I guess but isn’t the avg age of losing virginity 17… looooool funny

but anyway so my thing is like i’m probably not going to get in a relationship this year and possibly for like… the rest of my academy career??? xD i don’t fucking know like I don’t need that in my life right?

Happy movie stories make me so happy that i cry lol I don’t know why. I cry so easily it’s probably because in the times that I do cry I’m actually like letting me feel emotion which I’m not used to xD That kinda makes sense actually

Like there’s that switch in me that i have no problem using on a whim at a moment’s notice. It’s very useful and I’m very used to not being “comfortable” or having everything I want because I deprive myself and I sorta lie to myself and tell myself that no I don’t really want a relationship I don’t really want affection or comfort but actually I do. I miss my closest friends back home so much. We bonded a lot because of shit and I know that I’m going to find my group here and bond with them and find my closest friends here too. Adversity brings people together. This squad is a family. I will not let anything get in the way of that. I actually really do like my squadron. I thought it was cliquey but actually it’s really not. We’re all really accepting and shit but whatever

so I was just thinking like… eventually I am going to find someone and I know I’ve said I don’t have criteria like most girls but heyyyy now I do. so here ya go:

– kinks
– music
– smart as fuck
– just general compatibility
– no greater than a 9 year age difference
– *mature*
– not ugly as fuck

so yeah
the thing is with the kink part like unless I go on birth control (probably will asap), I’m still going to have hormonal swings and I am seriously considering putting myself out there as a sub. Like… I don’t fucking know. LIKE I FUCKING HAD/POSSIBLY STILL HAVE PENETRATION FEAR AND I HAVEN’T KISSED ANYONE YET AND I’M A VIRGIN AND I HAVE NO ACTUAL REAL EXPERIENCE AND LIKE AM I SERIOUSLY GOING TO MARKET MYSELF AS THAT? I’m sure that I’m some doms’ type lol for fucking real. My first dom has to be gentle as FUCK though. Like they’re going to have to be into some fucking serious ddlg shit in order to like ease me through my firsts LOLOLOLOLOLOL… well it’s fucking Colorado Springs so… would probably be able to find someone.

For real it’s what’s been non-getting me off for the last few days and I’m definitely going to get my period because i am fantasizing as shit and I smell now. hormone swings amirite. but the hormone swings are a real pain in the ass right now and after my horny phase imma be like what no bdsm is dumb as fuck i don’t fucking need sex lol

and i mean i guess it’s sorta a 50/50 chance to see how bc affects me like i could become horny all the time but i doubt that’ll happen. People say that you still get hormone swings and if so imma freak and fucking find a fucking dom because fuck I need that fucking shit fuck

but yeah

got a lotta shit to do. i’m still fantasizing so imma just write out shit i guess

ddddaaaadddddddddddddyyyyyy
[interjection
another thing is like shit triggers me man. adam was fucking shit. maybe the shit at fucking dirty talk but I FUCKING HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH. THIS SHIT FUCKING TRIGGERS ME NOW AND WHATEVER FUCKING DOM GETS ME IS GONNA HAVE TO WORK THROUGH THAT SHIT TO AND IMMA BE CALLING THAT SAFE WORD SO MUCH AND NEEDING SOME FUCKING LOVE FUCK LOL FUCK ME IMMA FUCKING BITCH.]
okay i’m not gonna write it out after all bc it triggers me
fr tho
also listening to tyler the creator bastard and it is FIRE

divide

at this point in time, happier by sheeran sums up my feelings very well but perfect also gleans what i wish happened and what i semi/lk-wish will happen

perfect is really wishful though for me because my interpretation is that its about ppl who fell in love when they were kids and are now grown up and in love again
meanwhile happier basically sums up my mindset with jerika bc my interpretation is that it’s about someone he used to be with but then they broke up and now she’s with someone else and she’s happy but he’s semi-okay with it because she’s happy
thus “happier'”

excerpt

…your advice and insight has affected how much I have grown in the past +1.5 years. To name the major changes (this is already too long), I’ve become much more stable, able to identify when I’m being self destructive, and manage my self destructive tendencies. I’ve become more decisive, I’ve stopped denying myself happiness and gotten over my relationship fear. I’ve gained tons more confidence and personal insight. I’ve learned what I value, what is important to me, and what I’m interested in, and I’ve actually gained a personality and a sense of self. I’ve learned to not get stuck in the past or let my irrationality and self destructiveness rule my actions. Overall, I’ve become more intellectually and emotionally mature.

So much has changed in a little under two years and to be honest it hit me only recently that I’m actually *leaving*. Like the first phase of my life is literally symbolically over and now “real life” starts. You were a big part of how I became the person I am at this part of my life and I just want you to know that too ūüôā

Imma visit when I can and keep in touch oki (basically w only u and Jwong tbh)

about me cut 2

I want to be an astronaut, as well as a research scientist, test pilot, software developer, YouTuber, author, musician, adoptive mother, and admissions counselor. I want to gain degrees in multiple fields and study aerospace engineering. I am attending the US Air Force Academy for college.

I am not cultured. I am a swimmer, a roboticist, and a scholar. I have been a cheater, and I will never be one again. I have been in love with one person in my life so far. I am sometimes self-destructive and self-punishing, but life has taught me to not follow those declining tendencies. I am a life learner and perfectionist. I am a leader. I am a strong, independent young woman.

I regret my first and only kiss.¬†The worst feeling in the world for me is going against my gut. I love music, food,¬†literature, themes, and psychology. I love robotics because of the people and my team. I¬†put myself¬†first before anyone else.¬†I don’t stay stuck in the past, and I don’t have regrets. I live and learn and stay fit.¬†I never give up. My biggest strength is my adaptability.¬†I¬†don’t know what my biggest weakness is yet, but being self-destructive is still an apparent problem.

I want to see the world. I want to fall in love and live life to the fullest. I want people to know who I am, and I want to change people’s lives. I want to be on the 2030s mission to Mars. I want to have meaningful relationships. I can’t wait to see what my future holds.

The Great Gatsby Spoiler alert: Smol quote analysis

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” – The Great Gatsby

This is the closing quote of TGG, and basically it asserts that we, people, are fundamentally flawed and stuck in the past.

Which is a very pessimistic view, but then again, at it’s core, TGG is a very sad love story. A beautiful love story, but a sad one all together. (And a reminder that we should never let someone go if we love them.)

The whole novel in fact is¬†written from the point of view of Nick, who is writing out the past. He is stuck in the past himself through grieving for¬†Gatsby.¬†And then one of the biggest themes of the book is Gatsby’s wish to repeat the past. That is, however, impossible of course. From a scientific¬†point of view, everything in the universe¬†descends towards entropy and can never¬†go back to how it was before.¬†In order to make things¬†exactly¬†where they were before, one would have to literally turn back time.

From a human perspective, things cannot go back to how they were before because people, the world, and everything are constantly changing. We are all in constant flux and every second that changes, we quite literally become a different person. People’s impressions of and feelings towards other people change over time, as shown¬†in both Daisy and Gatsby (in opposite directions), as they¬†experience more things and meet new people.

This was a great analysis of the past and future theme in The Great Gatsby.

I really like literary analysis lol

That’s not a crime ūüėČ

lol bitch shut the fuck up

I’ve been feeling really angry lately

Like I’ve¬†felt like I want to stab someone or smash things¬†or punch¬†the wall¬†or just break things

I mean maybe it’s hormones plus the shit I’ve been through lately

I’m going to make an effort to take care of myself

That’ll¬†help, but we’ll see how much I guess

Jerika basically went on a date yo

Oh yeah it was drive team + Kat wow that’s crazy

They’re cuties

I love thinking about how they’re currently sophomores, and in two years they and their friend groups will probably be very different

And then they’ll graduate and probably rarely talk to eachother for the rest of their lives

Gio and Erika will stay in touch of course

Jason and¬†Erika will¬†break¬†up and I guess we’ll see if they stay in touch

 

Who am I keeping in touch with? Honestly…¬†probably¬†just Izzy and Jason at this point. Everyone else is too problematic and I’d like to leave them behind. I’ll just check in with them from time to time ūüôā

 

Also I really don’t like Daniel

He’s just problematic and literally helps me in no way whatsoever

He helped back when I was going through the shit, but honestly right now he’s become problematic

I’m cutting ties.

I never really had a particular affection for him anyway

Use people much?

Isn’t that what we all do though

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Note: lol more self-important emo poetry

L
O
V
E
Love with a capital L
What’s in a four letter word?
Oceans of tears and miles of pain
Canyons of happiness and happiness and happiness and
Happiness
H
A
P
P
I
N
E
S
S
I’ve never won a spelling bee but no matter how many times I spell these two words I can never get them quite as I want them

I’m seventeen. How can I know anything about what the big L word is?

As a graduating high school senior, the vast, shrouded expanse of my future is laid out before me and christ am I scared.

On the edge before we plunge into the real world into the unknown, wild jungle of the real world

In fifteen years I will likely be married.

In fifteen years I will be grown. I will be mature. I will know what I’m doing with my life.

Fifteen years seems like a lifetime because it’s almost how old I am.

I remember being fifteen. Thinking I knew it all. Thinking I had it all figured out. Getting stuck in those fucking self destructive cycles. Being a general mess.

Tom had a suicidal episode on my sixteenth birthday.
Now Tom doesn’t talk to me.

The tide of our lives ebb and flow.

I’ve had one kiss in my entire life. It was with the wrong guy, but I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I gave it all to the wrong guy.

They say you never really know how much something truly matters until it’s gone. (@Hamlet I relate) I’ll never make that mistake again. I’ll never take someone for granted. I’ll never take myself for granted.

I ruined my life because I was busy worrying about other people’s problems. I was busy fixing everyone else’s problems but failed to see my own. I made the mistake of thinking I was an exception. That the rules of the human affliction didn’t apply to me. Well, guess what Hanna; surprise, they do.

I will never make that mistake again. I failed to see the preciousness of love. I failed to see that I had something special. I will never make that mistake again.

But back to the main question. How can I know what Love is? How can I know its unspeakable destructive and nurturing power? How it leaves you crying for no reason in the worst places. How the back of a stranger’s head can make you double-take. How it hits you all of a sudden and you realize how fucking stupid you were and it becomes all you can think about and all you feel is pain and sadness?

What about the feeling of their hand around your waist? Them falling asleep on your shoulder…. Their hand in yours? Once. I only experienced these things once. The feeling of love is so overwhelming and happy and just happy and happy and happy and fuck. It’s like everything just falls into place. Everything is so perfect.

If that’s not it, then I guess I don’t know what Love is. (lol cue “I wanna know what Love is”)

I thought that Jason was the perfect guy back then. I can’t believe I didn’t see that I loved him. I was so blind and I was so scared to open myself up and so fucking young and dumb that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. God.

Okay, to be fair, I didn’t really think a relationship with him would be a viable option, I just thought he was attractive and shit, but as I’ve learned from this whole fiasco, don’t place restrictions on yourself. Live as Jason Wong lives: “Go with the flow.” Follow the Dao lol.

Fuck lol

I know, I’m okay now. It really helps that I’m a high school senior because I won’t encounter him anymore, and I’m actually leaving this place. I don’t have to deal with it anymore lol. The fact that I’m going to AFA, which is a 23% female environment, and first going through BCT (aka hell).

High school… was interesting. To be honest, it was a mess. Do I regret things? Yes, to be honest, yes I do. So would it be okay to just move on without forgiving myself because like I can just move on. Actually no. Here and now. I’m going to forgive myself.

Hey Hanna, all the time you wasted… I forgive you. All the time you spent being scared… I forgive you (and that’s really understandable, I mean I am you so I know lol). All the time you wasted trying to be something that you weren’t… I…. I forgive you. I forgive you for not knowing who you were and going against what your instincts. I forgive you for not knowing what you had when you had it. You were young. You were very young. It was your first time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a beautiful, amazing human being whose future is bright and big and full of opportunities and experiences and life. You will grow up to be a beautiful, unique person who knows what it is to love and to be loved.

The average woman is heartbroken twice and has five relationships before getting married. You have a whole world of love out there for you Hanna. You have a whole lifetime to love and be loved and to lose and give love. You will find it. Trust me, you will.
(And if you don’t trust me, trust the numbers c:)

End note: lol this started out as a poem but obviously I’m horrible at writing poetry so I just resorted to the copyrighted Hanna rambling essay xD

End end note: Nah, it’s just that I’m not as emotional now.

In conclusion

So I just need to write this out so I don’t fucking kill myself thinking about useless shit.

I’m over Jason. I have accepted that we will never be together again and moved on. I still love him because I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the kiddo, but am I in love with him? No.

He’s such a damn romantic lol just saying.

In retrospect, there are several reasons why we would not work out currently. 1. He’s a sophomore. 2. He is in a relationship with Erika (duh). 3. He has moved on from me.

These are pretty big reasons that make a relationship right now impossible.

Yes the idea has occured to me that I would become the grill who stays in love with Jwong until years later when he comes around and realizes that I was always there for him and that he loves me… but that’s like… no. Why is this impossible? Well first of all, I believe Jwong and I are not a perfect match and I will probably meet someone who meshes with, relates with, and compliments my needs and who I am¬†better. He will probably meet someone who meshes with, relates with, and compliments him better as well.

Undoubtedly, Jwong and I are good friends right now, and we will stay in touch and stay longterm friends/acquaintances. He and Izzy are probably the only people who I am sure I will keep in touch with.

We do have a lot of similarities, but there are some flaws in his personality that don’t quite fit with mine.

Disclaimer: Jwong is currently 15 years old, which is damn young, so he will probably change a lot. This is just a reflection of how he currently is.

Flaws:

  • His lack of interest in my life.
  • He probably wants kids of his own or is obligated to have kids of his own.
  • His general immaturity and inexperience (from being 15 years old).
  • His misguided subjectivity, independence, exclusiveness, and/or ambiguousness.

So my conclusion is: Jwong is still a kiddo and has many more years of his life ahead of him. He will probably change a lot, and I am really really looking forward to seeing how he grows. I am also looking forward to seeing how I grow and meeting new people and love interests who I can fall in love with even more than I did with Jwong.

Tada. There ya go. I have moved on.

jason

jason likes erika and erika likes jason and I fucking hate my life

i fucking hate my life so much

I fucking hate myself so much I hate what I did I hate what I thought i was so fucking STUPID

THERE WAS SO MUCH FUCKING WRONG WITH ME

Why was I so fucking dumb

I miss you I miss you so much even though we hardly got a chance to be together I miss what little we had and I miss what we could have had and I miss you and everything and the way I felt when you touched me

Literally I have no other way to say it lol

I was so dumb lol fuck my life fuck me fuck what I did fmlfmlfmlmflmflmflmflmflmfl ihms

I miss you dammit I miss you and it’s made worse because of how much I missed and how much I took for granted and how much we could have had¬†but didn’t have and what could’ve been but what wasn’t